I Fantasise About Acting in a Feminist Porno
Erika Lust could work wonders with my wife and me as actors
I don’t particularly like mainstream pornography. Its logic and aesthetics are way different from what I enjoy in sex. A lot of the time, though, I see it as a necessary evil: I just don’t have anything better and it’s so easy to find. Free, too.
But I do believe in porn. No matter how often it stinks, I don’t reject it. I think it can be put to good use, as both sex education and entertainment.
Do you know what fills me with hope? Feminist porn.
The first feminist porno I watched was Deep Inside Annie Sprinkle. Before watching it, I had done my research and knew it offered a different approach. Despite its being from the ’80s, it was refreshing to see a woman calling the shots.
Back then, I didn’t know that Erika Lust had already been in the business for almost 5 years. She had made the short The Good Girl, in 2004. Years passed before I actually discovered Lust’s work, through a Netflix documentary series, Hot Girls Wanted: Turned On, Episode 1: Women On Top. I was impressed by her company and her crew. I cheered for her work. It made total sense.
It made me stand up and shout, “Yes! Thank you! Thank, God, there are people out there who believe porn can do better!”
And several of them are actually taking the necessary steps.
Soon after, I subscribed to Erika Lust’s website and watched a few of her movie collections. I have two things to say: (1) I am 100% on board with the feminist approach to pornography and (2) I am flirting with the idea of “what if…”
Wouldn’t it be great if I had the nerve to play in a feminist porno starring my wife and me?
Given that I don’t particularly like mainstream porn, I wouldn’t really consider acting in just any porn movie. I find the scene too much to handle and too intimidating. Performance anxiety must be huge. Besides, I don’t meet the industry standards: I don’t have a chiseled body, I don’t have a big cock, I can’t hold my ejaculation, I can’t release it on cue.
But a feminist one? That’s a very different story.
What it is
So what is this pornography and why is it called feminist?
Mainstream porn targets a predominantly male audience. It focuses on boosting the man’s ego and its narrative is androcentric. It’s all about the male taking pleasure. Even when the female climaxes, it’s the male that takes all the credit for her orgasm.
Feminist porn is made by women, the storylines focus on the female perspective, and it addresses predominantly female audiences.
There is an important wave of feminist filmmakers making porn and they do a great job giving women what they want.
And what is that? Greater intimacy and rapport between the characters (therefore the actors, too), more kissing, more time spent on pleasing each other (instead of pounding), even more kissing, lots of kissing, and an emphasis on the actual story or fantasy. Mainstream porn movies often have a “story” going on, but it’s less a real story and more an excuse to start the pounding.
And for the record, I love kissing. And in these films you see actual, good kissing, not just licking each other’s tongues—that’s how usual porn kissing looks like.
Why I like it
OK, so feminist porn is all kissing and rose petals. Why would I—a man—like it?
Because I am tired of watching people fuck porn-style. That’s not how real people fuck—unless they imitate porn. And it’s okay to imitate porn but, in regard to style, mainstream porn has left itself hopelessly behind.
Because I resist accepting gagging, slapping, and hair-pulling as common and mainstream practices. There seems to be no plain fucking anymore without doses of violence—and that blends sex and violence in a very dangerous fashion.
Because it’s hot to see intimacy and connection between the lovers on a screen — as in any good movie. I don’t mean necessarily romance and a promise for happily ever after — some on-screen couples are real-life, others are casual.
Because diversity is incorporated as actual diversity and not fetishism or racism.
It’s a relief watching an interracial scene of which the concept is not “him fucking her with his big black cock.”
Because although I do understand the cerebral effect of genitalia pounding on each other in close-up, it doesn’t get me as far as watching the woman’s face melt with pleasure. It’s always about the characters!
Because many of those scenes have healthy doses of subtle humour and — the most daring of them — even awkwardness. Sex isn’t just about lustful looks.
Because it makes me feel good about my body. Although many actors are still professional porn actors meeting the industry standards, I somehow feel included and accepted. That’s thanks to the filmmakers’ approach.
Because they have production value. I don’t enjoy cheap professional gonzo porn. And as much as I enjoy amateur porn, flesh shines sweeter under a nice kino-flo light than under the bedside lamp of the average student room.
If feminist porn gives us what women want, women want good lighting and solid camera work.
Because I believe that feminist porn is here to make everyone’s life better and not only the women’s. Just like feminism itself.
Because I watched some movies and fucking loved them.
And you know what? Those movies help me open up to other people’s sexuality. For example, I would never imagine watching a scene with a transgender man and actually liking it. Let’s face it: I have my bigotry, my sexism, my racism. Still, I watched it and loved it. It helped me understand something. Feel something. Whatever helps me move forward, understand different people, love humanity with all its particularities, and empathise with others, I sign up for it.
Those movies help me suspend not only my disbelief, but also my prejudice.
And there is one more reason I love those movies. Because amateurs and couples are welcome. Erika Lust’s actors come from different walks of life. Some are professional porn actors and others are amateurs. Some of them are even real life partners.
I find watching real couples super sexy. I admire their audacity. I enjoy their intimacy. I thrive on their confidence. They look so empowered, in the simplicity of their act.
And it’s so much better than an amateur home movie. There is an actual director giving instructions and an actual cinematographer making sure everything is beautifully shot.
What it would look like
So, let’s say I do it. How would it look?
No classic porn positions
Some positions are more visual than sensual. This means that some positions (and some stuff done in porn movies in general) look better to the audience than they feel to the performers.
I don’t know what every couple enjoys—I can only speak about what my wife and I prefer.
For example, doggie style doesn’t work for me.
I don’t feel close to my partner, I can’t hug her, I can’t grab anything other than the hips. Try to grab one boob and you assume an awkward, tilted position. Try to grab two and you fall face first between her shoulder blades.
Yes, you can grab her ass but, let’s be honest, the best position to grab her ass is the normal cowgirl.
My biggest problem with doggie style, is the lack of eye contact between the partners. No eye contact means no intimacy. It gets lonely.
That’s why reverse cowgirl doesn’t work for me either. Neither has it worked for any of my partners—nobody asked for it. Plus, we tried it with a few and said “meh…”
I don’t like positions where each person slips into their own world, looking at the wall or the sheets or her back or his toes.
Therefore, in our little porn scene, we would do the positions that we like: missionary, spoons, and cowgirl. End of story.
I’m not sure what you will be able to see, but I will trust Erika’s experienced director of photography.
Plus, being our favourite positions, you can be sure that whatever pleasure you see on our faces will be absolutely real.
No pain
I’ve tried slapping and it works fine for the people who dig it. Whether we are talking about slapping the face, the butt, the breasts, or any other body part, the receiving party must like it and consent to it.
My wife doesn’t. She has never asked me to hit her and I had no reason to believe that I should ask her. She isn’t into hitting and pain.
Considering that I don’t particularly enjoy hurting people either, we’ll pass on the violence. That pretty much rules out gagging, nipple pinching, serious hair pulling, and forcing of any kind.
No control
I’ve heard that men can hold their ejaculation longer after they turn forty. Perhaps I’ll have to wait for my birthday, because I don’t last as much as I used to when I was thirty.
Ron Jeremy used to say “ugly grandmothers, ugly grandmothers” to keep himself from coming. I say, fuck it.
If I have to think about my dead grandma or Joseph Mengele in order not to come, then I’d rather just come right now.
Sex is supposed to be a pleasant experience for me, too.
Plus, my wife knows how to reach an orgasm, by allowing me to pause for a few seconds every few minutes. When riding on top, she knows exactly when I am about to come and she stops moving, without me needing to say anything. A few seconds pass. Then, she knows exactly when she should start moving again. I don’t know how she knows, but she just does. Perhaps she feels my first muscle spasms or she reads my mind.
Whatever the case, until she gets to climax, I need 2 or 3 pauses to recoup. Then, we come together. So, be prepared for pauses, too.
A lot of mouth work
Both my wife and I enjoy putting each other into our mouths.
My wife loves taking me into her mouth. I can tell. She takes her time with my penis and testicles. She sucks the scrotum’s skin and glides her tongue up and down the shaft and head for a long time before she takes my penis into her mouth. Again, I don’t need to say anything. There is nothing I can tell her that would help her do it better. It’s just perfect.
I too enjoy cunnilingus so much that I can spend hours with my face between her legs. When I eat her up, my mouth is attached on her vulva, so what I do may not be that visually interesting. Those moments, a close-up on my wife’s face is probably the shot we’re after. As I said, it’s about the characters.
Epilogue
I am writing this piece in the midst of our sex life’s dry season, which I’ve described before. Although my wife and I desire each other, we last had sex in August of 2019. Our baby’s sleep is a nightmare.
Before our dry season, our sex life had settled to some simple routines that we enjoyed. Reading our little scene’s pitch, above, I doubt that you found something that hasn’t been done before. It’s nothing fancy but, at this season of our lives, it is exactly what we need. It gets us together and leaves us panting and satisfied.
We don’t have a quirky sex life. Perhaps that is our sex life’s quirk: it’s simple and it focuses on the satisfaction and intimacy of two exhausted parents.
Having kids dictates our sex lifestyle: keep it short, keep it quiet, keep it simple.
“Okay, why would you bother showing this in a porno, though?” you may ask.
Because it’s something real and true. Because, within the confines of parenthood, it helps us connect and satisfy each other. Because porn can be sharing of stories, too, and that’s a story that some people may want to see. I know I would.
Still, don’t hold your breath. I wouldn’t green-light such a movie, soon. It’s a great fantasy, but it’s a fantasy. In reality, making any movie requires hard work and its shooting is much messier than the end result. I fantasise about the final product, but I don’t bother consider the logistics. Logistics don’t fit in a fantasy.
Most of all, though, I have too many inhibitions to act in a porno — even a feminist one. I have the mentality of both a bourgeois and a villager. I care too much about what other people think. I enjoy keeping my sex life private.
Therefore, as I said at the beginning, this article is a big “what if…” What if I had the nerve to act in a feminist porno. Well, I don’t.
At least for now.
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