College Etiquette, in the Classroom and Beyond

Inspired by that one dude in two of my classes with that on endlessly annoying voice and other inconsiderates, then evolved into a PSA for the sake of college students anywhere.

• Don’t fart. Ever
• Brush your teeth. At least don’t breathe on anyone after several cups of coffee.
• Put your phone on silent. Okay, sometimes hearing a phone blurt out Family Guy is funny, but we’re learning here… right…? We’re learning.
• Or just use headphones.
• Get rid of those flash notifications. The epileptic population would really appreciate that one. It drains your battery anyway.
• If you borrow a pencil, don’t use all of the damn eraser. It’s tiny already! So… don’t blunder whatever you’re writing.
• Hold the door open for people behind you. I’ve been dicked by this one too many times.
• Don’t play professor, unless you’re just that good, but you’re a student, so you probably aren’t, young grass-flopper.
• Don’t pretend to have a conversation with the professor for the whole freakin’ lecture. You can ask questions. By all means, ask stupid questions (DON’T), but do not repeat every word the professor says in a soft seductive whisper or respond to everything he says and every question he asks under your breath. I mean holy schnikey! We’ve got thirty people in here. I hear you. We hear you.
• Don’t chat it up with the homie next to you like it’s a family reunion. I don’t want to be here, but I may as well try to learn since I am here.
• If you’re copying me, don’t make it so obvious. Dummy. Don’t set up a bunker around your test either.
• Don’t hang out in the hallway or anywhere with high foot traffic. Get outta the way. I repeat, move bitch, get out da’ way. You wouldn’t hang out in the middle of Spaghetti Junction would ya?
• If you’ve got the PDF of the textbook, share that with the world. PLEASE. Whatever you got: YouTube videos, short cuts, old textbooks, Chegg account, whatever, offer it to other students. College is like the survivor show, just a different habitat.
• If you Netflix in class, party in the back. Yeah, you could distract me, but more importantly, you could spoil that movie for me. Don’t be so inconsiderate.
• Probably don’t eat a family size bag of Doritos. You could at least offer some.
• Don’t go to office hours expecting a full tutor session. It’s communal. Like the showers at the dorm.
• If you’re a loud person, stay off the quiet floor in the library. That is the diligent students’ sanctuary bro.
• Do your part in any group assignment, lab, project, presentation. You cuck.
• Putting two chairs together to make a public bed is frowned upon, and only acceptable if other seats are also available.
• Don’t book a study room if you’re going to have a rager. Everyone outside of it can hear y’all laughin’ at World Star videos.
• For the sweet love of holy baby jesus, don’t piss off the professor. If he’s mad at you, he’s mad at us.
• Be patient in the dining hall, unless they’re almost out of grilled cheeses.
• Don’t piss off your RA. Shoutout Penthouse Kids.
• Watch where you’re walking.
• Say hi to strangers. All of you. Let’s work on having manners when we lock eyes by accident. At least smirk. Make strangers feel like they’ve noticed another human being in your presence.

Let’s end this with some refreshing positivity.

College is hard, fun, stressful, painful (like in the ass), you deal with a lot of extra mess, and it’s okay. You will panic at deadlines, deal with a broken printer, maybe lose all the work you did because a computer crashed or your silly selfness forgot to save it all [#GoogleDrive dude]. There will be shameful and depressing scholarly moments, but there will also be triumphs that’ll inspire you to flip the bird at the teacher, I mean professor. Do you still call ’em that by accident sometimes?

We can make each other’s college experience a wee-bit more enjoyable if we’re aware of our peers in classrooms, hallways, elevators, locker rooms, cafeterias, labs, and other miscellaneous locations on campus.

As The College Dangler, I will neither condone nor discourage the notion of, “staying in school, kids.”

Do you, have fun, be cool, don’t drink too much. In my opinion, just don’t drink. Try something new instead.