What my curly hair has taught me so far

When I was little I had long, flowy, luscious curls. However, I didn’t love them. I was closer to hate than I was to love, as my mom used to comb them and tie them tightly in a high ponytail, so tight it hurt. She didn’t know what to do with my hair and that was the easiest work around she could find, so I grew up with this constant desire of having straight hair. To make it worse, society pushed hard with its beauty standards pointing in that direction.
The thing is…that I spent all my teenage years, my 20’s and part of my 30´s trying to control the beast, otherwise known as my tangled, dry and undefined mane. I had lost all hope on it, so I saved money to go to the beauty salon and apply chemicals, one on top of the next, to see if somehow I was able to tame the mess. Until I gave up.
Giving up on this failed mission was ultimately my redemption. With the aid of the internet, I found out there was a whole universe of haircare that I was unaware of. The issue was not my curly texture: it was that I didn’t know how to care of it. The minute I started caring for it, the minute it started to return that love. That love was the foundation for something I had been craving for a long time, and which constitutes the first lesson from my journey:
#1. It taught me about self acceptance
Back in 2015, I was still trying to have a perfectly straight mane. Lots of time (and money) were wasted in trying to change something that was basically determined by genetics. Why was I so obsessed? Most likely because of past insecurities that related to my hair.
“You look so much better with straight hair!” said one friend.
“Your hair is frizzy, you should think about straightening it. It will make your life a bit easier”, said another.
“Curly hair is unprofessional.” Well, no one every said that to me because I was always under the influence of chemicals, but I know women who got this one shoved in their faces.
All these comments were hurtful and a big obstacle in the road to self acceptance. It’s curious, because of all the insecurities I had (which included my thin legs, my wide nose and my glasses), the one that lingered for the most time was my curly crown. It was the last fortress of resistance towards self love, and once I brought it down, the image I saw in the mirror changed for good.
I know I am not perfect for others. But I am perfect for me. The feeling of self acceptance, of embracing my body in all it’s splendor it’s awesome. Besides, having curly hair means never having boring hair.
#2. I cannot control everything
Control freak would be a good nickname for me, if people who really know me got to pick it. I’ve never been good with uncertainty. I like the power that control gives me, the feeling of knowing what I am doing, how I am doing it and what is the outcome. The more control I have over my circumstances, the less helpless I feel overall.
This was mostly true, until I decided to free the beast. Control is impossible when you have curly hair, as it has a life of its own. I don’t say this metaphorically, it does really have it’s own agenda, tastes, moods and anger management issues. Depending on the day, you may spend hours washing, conditioning, styling and diffusing you way to perfect hair and boom!: 2 hours later you have a frizzball of epic proportions, just because…
Therefore, I had to slow down on my control anxiety, because if the beast refuses to cooperate, there won’t be anything I can do to change it’s mind. It simply won’t. So, most of time I do my best and then, I let it be. Just like it should be in real life and with everything you do.
#3. Be patient, be constant
They say patience is a virtue, one that I’m also not very good at. Most of my life I’ve struggled as I want things to happen now, not later, now…and my curls have taught me that if I want them to behave and reach their full potential, I have to learn the value of waiting and persisting.
When my transition to curly hair started, there were moments when I wanted to ditch everything and use the iron again, as my hair wouldn’t cooperate and there wasn’t a decent way to style it. However I resisted the urge as I knew that I was committed to recovering my natural texture and that, in the long term, the effort would pay off. As it turns out, it did after 2 years. All my hair needed was some TLC and LOTS of patience.
This lesson is being specially useful at this exact moment of my life, where I am thinking about major changes. The life that I want won’t be magically granted: I have to work for it, accomplish small goals every day, be constant in my journey and most important, be gentler to myself and understanding that growing slow is OK.
#4. You got to keep learning if you want to thrive
Finally, my curly hair journey has been a true example of how learning and being curious can make a great difference.
In the beginning, I had no clue or guidance of what I needed to do in order to recover my curls. I followed the “google it” method and I stumbled upon lots of resources centered around the natural hair community. In countries like the US or Brazil, this movement has deep roots and knowledge about curly hair care is abundant, so taking advantage of it was mandatory if I wanted to go natural. I read all the blog posts and web articles that I could; I watched videos; I followed curly influencers in IG for inspiration; and I learned as much as I could about my curl pattern, porosity and texture to understand what products and application methods would work best.
The whole journey is about trial an error, though, as curly hair won’t always behave the same way. You may have found the magic formula for great hair one day, and the next one it won’t do the magic. Real life works the same way: there is not a single way to live, change is inevitable and adaptability becomes the secret weapon. And to adapt, learning and curiosity will take you places.
*************************************************************
Do you have a similar story? I’d love to hear it. You never know how empowered you may feel once you start accepting yourself, so I encourage you to give it a try, maybe a new lesson that I didn’t know will come from your experience.
