But it’s beginning to look like that isn’t the case. Wrong again.

After a year of learning all about my job, I was beginning to feel a sense of confidence, a new feeling for me. I got good feedback in my reviews and in frequent informal meetings with my manager.

Then, about a week ago, a shocking paradigm shift happened when my manager told me, after a review, that my performance was unacceptable. I was told that if I don’t improve quality, if my next 2 reviews are the same, I will be fired. He didn’t use the word “fired” but I got the meaning.

It was Friday afternoon, about time to go home anyway, so I gathered up my belongings in a state of shock and left.

I was ready to give up right then, rather than postpone the inevitable. I typed a message to my manager saying, fuck this place and fuck you. I cried all the way home.

I did not send the message. Instead, I sent it to my boyfriend. He talked me back from the ledge, and although I have still not brought any of my stuff back, I continue to show up for work.

The idea was to start documenting things, covering my ass, preparing to fight for my job or at least fight for unemployment.

I really don’t want to fight. I am exhausted. And sad. I wish I could feel anger, at least that would be a form of energy. I just feel defeated.

When I was in 7th grade, I was at a new school & didn’t know many of the kids there. One day after school, I was waiting for the bus, and a group of girls (4, 5, maybe?) just randomly surrounded me against the brick wall of the school. They beat the shit out of me. Broke my glasses, bloodied my nose. To this day I don’t know why. But I do remember the way I reacted to that terrifying situation: by curling up in a ball and trying to disappear. I remember being unable, and more importantly, unwilling to make a fist to defend myself. My religious indoctrination had such a strong hold that I could not bring myself to hurt another human, even in my own defense.