Audio-Guide To The Afterlife

Please choose your language. We regret to inform you that some languages, like Esperanto and Modern Greek, remain unavailable due to budget cuts.

Make sure the receiver clip is fastened securely around your ear before descending the 666 flights of stairs down to the Path to Hades. There are abominable gusts that erupt out of the pit of Hades and, should you lose your headphones, you will have to return to the Gift Shop to purchase another pair.

Guests who have too much baggage or are otherwise disabled, follow the signs to the elevator and tell Death, the elevator operator, your destination is “That’s all folks!” as he will otherwise drop you off at “Torture Chamber.” Please beware the elevator gets quite crammed during peak season, around Christmas and New Year’s.

Once you’ve descended, you will find yourself before the river Styx, which is full of lost souls asking for goat blood or some loose change. Just ignore them (as in life, so in death) and follow the signs toward Charon, the frightful ferryman who will guide you down the river from the rickety dock. Be sure to have exact change in Hades coin for Charon, as he has grown impatient of people asking him to wait while they visit the exchange booth.

Congratulations on your descent! Take a minute to take in the view of howling souls from Charon’s dock. Charon’s ferry has been in operation for 5,072 years, making it the oldest operational ferry known to man or god — and it looks it, doesn’t it?

For safety reasons, please keep your hands inside the ferry. We realize that the sight of thousands of hands raised above the river may tempt you to crowd surf, but this is inadvisable — we’ve lost count of how many times passengers have been pulled into Styx just trying to shake the ghastly hand of someone that looks like their grandmother.

Congratulations on successfully crossing the river Styx, one of our biggest attractions! Please be circumspect when exiting Charon’s ferry, as you must have noticed it’s full of broken planks and you may lose a shoe or worse, your sanity, by dipping into the Styx.

You are now at the Entrance to Hades. Many heroes have come before you but, sadly, none have left us positive reviews. It’s best to not let your expectations get too high, as it’s far too crowded and there really isn’t much to do.

To your left, you will find Cerebus, who looks vicious (with his three hell-beast heads and serpent tails and all) but is really such a sweetheart. That said, please do not feed the animals, as they have a tendency to eat the hand, arm and, well, even the face that feeds.

Welcome to Hades, where everyone is dead! Please take as long as you like to familiarize yourself with your labyrinthine surroundings and enjoy your newfound ability to walk up stairs upside down.

Surprise, shade! As you may have already noticed, you are now right back where you started. You see, Hades, like Barcelona, was designed by M.C. Escher, so every passageway leads right back to the beginning. A little bit of trivia — did you know that M.C. Escher was a reincarnation of Sissyphus, the man cursed to push a boulder up a hill only to follow it down the hill again and renew his infinite task? While there are usually no exceptions to eternal punishments, the gods decided that a life as a neglected artist in the Netherlands was just as absurd as his punishment.

We realize that your new habitat may be difficult to digest. Please resist the temptation to jump over the turnstile at the Entrance and attempt to swim across the river Styx, as there really is nothing worse than drowning in the screams of wraiths.

And now, a word from our sponsors:

Greetings! We here at Chipotle know Hades can take some getting used to. That’s why we’ve provided a snack bar where you can recall the comforts of your previous life by purchasing a chicken burrito with queso for only one Hades coin (exchange rates apply). Unfortunately, all the food here looks like earthworms, so you’ll have to use the powers of your imagination to make yourself believe you’re eating a chicken burrito with queso.

Hallo. This Charon. Visit vending machine, it by bathroom pit near Entrance where I drop you off. Everything one Hades coin — exact change only! Grab Snickers, because you going to be here for awhile.

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