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Do you own an ancient Indian burial ground? Are you in the market for a witch forest? Well look no further than my new edition of Karen Schadenlunde’s Guide To Buying and Selling Haunted Property! In these end-times, there’s no reason for sellers to cut themselves short on cursed lots. I recently sold a tar-pit that boiled over on the seventh moon for $672,000, and you can, too!

The first thing buyers and sellers should know is that the price should reflect the level of accursedness present on the property. Like swimming pools or walk-in closets, amenities like the ability…


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A tweet from the president this morning embodied everything that’s wrong with 2019.

Trump characteristically took to Twitter in an effort to smear his newest GOP challenger, former Governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford, but only succeeded in generating the comic hashtag, #flamingdancer.

The smear refers to an episode when then Gov. Mark Sanford’s whereabouts were unknown and media coverage suspected it was a disappearance. A spokesperson for Sanford then claimed he was hiking the Appalachian Trail, but Sanford later acknowledged that he was in Buenos Aires having an extramarital affair with an Argentine journalist named Maria Belén Chapur…


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Please choose your language. We regret to inform you that some languages, like Esperanto and Modern Greek, remain unavailable due to budget cuts.

Make sure the receiver clip is fastened securely around your ear before descending the 666 flights of stairs down to the Path to Hades. There are abominable gusts that erupt out of the pit of Hades and, should you lose your headphones, you will have to return to the Gift Shop to purchase another pair.

Guests who have too much baggage or are otherwise disabled, follow the signs to the elevator and tell Death, the elevator operator…


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It was God, and not Moses, who created the first listicle in the form of a 7-item to-do list for creation. In subsequent millennia, however, the listicle was largely abandoned in favor of unnumbered aphorisms that usually begin with the phrase, “a wise man once said…” because people are generally appalled at what idiots say.

BuzzFeed resurrected the short-form from it’s long dormancy in 2006 with the revered listicle, “30 Celebs Who Look A Little Different In Person But Also The Same In Complete Darkness.”

A car crashed into a neighborhood deli yesterday evening. The police report states that the…


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A few years ago, I had what you might call a good idea.

A friend of mine with a Phd in biology was looking for jobs on Craigslist. After blanketing the major life science companies with his resume, Craigslist didn’t seem so bad, and at least he was getting real responses instead of the automated replies he received from the conglomerates.

I found this bizarre, but didn’t think much of it until I met a scientist who told me about the difficulty she was having hiring a chemist at her small food lab in New Orleans — months after she…


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Lonnie Holley begins his third album with a somber truth. “I’m a suspect in America,” he cries over soft, blushing keys. But he ends the album on an entirely different note.

Born in Alabama during the Jim Crow era, Holley has endured the oppressive gaze that reduces African Americans to mere suspects for nearly seven decades. “Beyond the chain gang, the games are still the same,” the introductory track continues. But he doesn’t focus on this sad frame of American history for long. The song pans out, over layers of dubbed lyrics and astral tones, concluding with “I’m a dust…


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The El Paso Massacre exposed the white terrorism that lurks in the underbelly of the far-right. It also sparked a rally for a scapegoat.

After the Massacre, many Republicans alleged mental health was to blame. Rep. Ted Yoho (R-Fla.) pointed his finger at “big tech,” while Rep. Candice Keller (R-Oh) found a culprit in gay marriage. Fox News tried to place blame on everything from lack of school prayer to video games, even on the abstract concept of pure evil itself, as if we were in some kind of religious thriller (I’m not saying that we’re not).

These scapegoats not…


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In Sylvia Plath’s novel, “The Bell Jar,” the young heroine stands in front of a fig tree, imagining each of the figs as a different possibility for her life: “one fig was a husband and a happy home and children… another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions.” …


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The roasting of Adam Levine was prompt and unsparing.

Progressively undressing during a lackluster Super Bowl performance, the Maroon 5 frontman eventually stripped down to a tank top that seemed cut from the same fabric as pillows and drapes from Target, and the peanut gallery of the internet immediately took to Twitter.

Levine then peeled off his tank and the roasting quickly refocused on his bare tattooed chest.

The following Monday, the spit continued to turn in media articles.

“You hear them [Maroon 5] playing faintly as you disembark the elliptical machine,” Amanda Petrusich mused for…

Marco Altamirano

Philosopher of science and technology on vacation. Author of Time, Technology, and Environment (Oxford University Press), a love story about wasps and orchids.

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