pinky promise

I have always grown up a bit insecure about almost everything. One of which has been commitment. In 6th grade, I hurt my best friend really badly that it carried with me to present day. After the incident, him and I went our separate ways for 7 years until I finally mustered up the courage to apologize. Even then, and even though we talked about it, even now — I cannot shake off the memory or feeling of what I did.

I have come to terms that I, as of now, cannot commit to anything. In the context of relationships and friendships, I purposefully distance myself because I am one prone to destruction. Nothing of me encompasses a mellifluous nature. All that is associated with me is angst and pain.

I do get it, though. I’m young and 18. But it is those moments when you could barely stand on two feet that stick with you when you can see the full view. They are not experiences that uplift, but rather, pulls you down.

As of now, I cannot commit. God, I cannot. But one day. Maybe one day.

— Marco-Landon Siu, 8/28/17