It’s Time To Check-In
Hey there. It’s been a couple months since we’ve last talked. How have you been? Have you been eating? Have you cooked? Have you cried? Have you exercised? Have you done what makes you feel most alive?
These are questions that I haven’t been able to ask myself or sit on for a while. I’ve been off my antidepressants for about a month and a half now. Needless to say, it’s been rough, difficult, and extremely hard. My mind has been anywhere but a positive place. This has affected my relationships and my own sense of self. Not only that, we are in a global pandemic forcing me to reconfigure so many parts of me to better adjust with the situation. I need to be clear and state this so I never forget — I’m safe, privileged, lucky, fortunate, and all the things that are allowing me to still hold onto a semblance of my dreams & aspirations alongside surviving. I have developed hobbies, been able to enjoy the things I did pre-quarantine, and have a roof over my head. I’m lucky. But that’s not what I want to write about now.
I didn’t realize how much my Dad had over me. Even years away from him and officially severing my relationship with my entire family, I still find him present in my every day. Growing up, I had to fight. Physically. The bruises that no longer show stay as a reminder that I will not back down when any situation arises — as traumatic as that to even the smallest things. But it’s because of those experiences that it’s so hard for me to deal with smaller stressors. Yes, yes, yes I fucking know. My experiences are valid, even the small ones. But I can’t keep catastrophizing every little issue to be life or death. I’m no longer in that place anymore. I don’t have to put up walls and spears anymore. Not everything is out to hurt me. Please continue gently reminding yourself that. Remind yourself that every day.
Not everything will work out. You know that better than anyone. And that’s okay. Don’t forget the goals you set for yourself. Remember how gentle you are when you do work with students? Remember that feeling. That softness, that care. Translate that into the people you’re around and you’d be unstoppable. For me, teachers and educators are my heroes. They were/are homes and lighthouses when I had neither. You’re going to be that, Marco. You already are that for people. Please don’t forget that because things are disarrayed right now. You’re a warrior, remember? You’re a fighter. You’ve met death face to face multiple times. Times are rough now but they won’t be forever. As much as the pandemic is situating it to feel that way, you have to do that work too. You understand that you cannot place trust completely in something. Trust yourself and the things you’ll do for yourself.
One last thing — I love you. I love you, Marco. I love you so fucking much. Despite what I tell you in your head, despite what I say to you in the mirror — despite all of that. I love you. You are the embodiment of resilience for me. You are someone who holds roots closer than ever when times get rough. You are someone people can count on. You give me hope to believe that a better tomorrow will manifest because you are doing the work to create those possibilities. You are going to be a fantastic teacher. I love you. Don’t forget that.
