Radical Self-Love
I’ve never really been the self-care, lovey-dovey kind of person. In fact, my mind is a cog-filled logic machine. Contrary to my involvements and disciplines of study, I see things in a very systematic manner. That’s probably why it’s so hard to manage my depression. Sure, there’s the biology portion of it, which is why I am so keen on taking my antidepressants but for the more unseeable trauma and hurt, I tend to disvalue that part of healing.
It wasn’t until last year around this time that I heard of the term “Radical Self-Love.” My student-professor defined the term as caring for yourself in whatever method that liberates you amidst being a subject of oppressive systems. Of course, at that moment, I disregarded this ideology. Why invest time in loving myself? That will come when successes follows grit and hard work. If I continue adding to my resume and job experience, then won’t self-love also follow?
Well, no. This type of thinking actually made me fall into a deep hole. My 2nd year of college has definitely been the hardest one so far in terms of introspection. I had to come to terms with identities I consistently hid away — queerness, Chinese-American, a child of working-class immigrants, and someone who turns to substances in order to mask traumas. I was challenged by peers, coworkers, and the very spaces that contributed to my growth. After a year of experiences, tribulations, and relegation, I’m finally ready to trek on this terrain called radical self-love. I’m ready.
I’m speaking this into existence for myself and for those around me to hold me accountable. I will:
Attend therapy regularly.
Continue taking my antidepressants.
Meet with my personal trainer regularly to improve self-esteem and body image.
Eat healthier, eat out less.
Schedule in time for my friends, especially hangouts that do not involve money.
Be kinder. Be so much kinder.
Reduce smoking immensely.
Reduce recreational substance intake to eventually cutting it out all together.
Stop being so harsh on myself. The goal is to grow.
Always, always keep my future students in my mind when I’m feeling at a low.
Follow through with everything above.
Let’s do this.
