Part 4 — The God Card
I knocked on Kim’s door. Her current dorm was positioned directly across from the one she lived in the year before. I looked at the door of her old room across the quad, now with a new name hanging on it. I didn’t like the Kim that used to live there, the Kim that slammed the door on Sidon and I on Halloween night while she pregamed.
The door I knocked on opened; the new Kim was behind it. She let me into her dorm. My Big Bro in my fraternity used to live in this very room back when he was an RA. It looked unrecognizable the way it was decorated now.
I waited until Kim picked somewhere to sit before finding the spot furthest away from her to situate myself. She sat on her bed, so I plopped myself on her couch, arms crossed and guarded. My body language was clear: What happened the other night would never happen again. That’s what we were there to discuss, anyway.
“So what are your thoughts about what happened?” she opened intently studying my face for any hint of emotion. I fought back with a straight face.
“I don’t know. It happened and it was fun and that’s that.” She looked dissatisfied with my answer.
“What do you mean ‘that’s that’?” she demanded.
“To be honest, I don’t think that we should have done that, but now that we did I just want to move past it.”
“That’s it?” she pressed.
Was that it? I had a lot of questions, thoughts, and concerns all spinning in my head, but did they matter? I saw that night as a mistake, a blemish on my perfect record of purity. We didn’t have sex but next time who knows how far we’d go. I needed to nip things in the bud and get back on good graces with God.
“Before we hooked up-” It tingled to say those words. All my peers talked about their weekend excursions hooking up with strangers at clubs or with people they met on dating apps. I’ve seen my fraternity brothers with their backs pressed against the wall of a dimly lit living room, music blaring, as they sloppily exchanged saliva with girls they met that evening. The thoughts of people wildly indulging their carnal desires deeply offended my religious sensibilities and yet there was a part of me that wanted to experience it. And now I had. But never again.
“-the only thing I’d ever done was kiss a girl. That was my first kiss and it happened in college with a girl I’d already known for years.”
Kim burried her face in her hands and groaned, “Oh, God! I didn’t know you’d never done any of that before. Why did you even kiss me?”
I kissed her because it had been years since I had kissed anyone and I was afraid that if I didn’t take that chance, it would be years before I kissed anyone else. I kissed her because for once in my life, I wanted to be the man.
“It just felt right,” I lied. “But I don’t want to do those things with you anymore. I’m a Christian and that’s not really what I’m about. I had fun but it was a mistake and I’m sorry.”
Kim was stunned. “So what now? We just act like this never happened?”
I nodded. “Let’s just go back to being friends.”
The Kim Chronicles is a series that examines the true story of the rape of a male college student. It is the author’s intention that these writings shed light on the realities of sexual assault, not just the tragedies of the events themselves but the social issues and trauma that surround them.
A new entry will be released every day in April 2017 in observance of Sexual Assault Awareness Month. Please click the heart button to spread the word.