This is not OK

As a woman, a woman who has been assaulted, a person who has friends and family (of all genders) who have been assaulted, and as a trauma therapist who has clients that have been through unimaginable nightmares at the hands of powerful, disgusting, evil people, and most importantly, as a HUMAN BEING: this Trump stuff is not OK. It’s unbearably atrocious.

Each time someone dismisses his behavior, we are triggered and reminded of how we were supposed to have not been there that night, or smiled that way, or put ourselves in those situations, or worn those type of stockings (actual words used to me after an assault) or how it was our fault for not defended ourselves against “locker room banter,” or we shouldn’t have been offended in the first place because “boys will be boys,” we are made to believe that being victims of assault in ALL forms makes US less than.

I have three brothers and I would NEVER EVER expect them to talk like he did, and NOT because my brothers have “a mother or sisters” (because, again, the value of being a woman is not determined by our relationships to men), but because they would be ashamed to talk like that, it would feel bad to them, their internal systems would not conceive of stating that they can just “grab her by the pussy.”

If your defense is that this is “normal guy talk,” then you need to check how you’re raising your children, and maybe get some new friends, and maybe wonder where the hell your healthy shame has gone. This is not a teachable moment, but instead an unveiling of the truth that privilege, ignorance, and sheer shamelessness keep people from seeing.

Dismissing this type of “common behavior” because it’s “common” ought to make you ask the question: what kind of standards should I be willing to live by? Child rape and molestation by a male family member is extremely “common” and I would never dream of telling my clients that that should help to ease their flashbacks, to cope with the near constant sense of impending danger, to stop their own nightmares from which they’re woken by their own screams, that because this is just how men act that that should lessen their desire to kill themselves just to finally get some relief.

Every time I hear someone downplay this issue, I am reminded of every time that I have been harassed, or touched without my consent, or made to listen to this kind of talk because sometimes it’s safer to stay and take it than it is to get up and run away, reminded of how (multiple) attempts to report sexual assaults were dissuaded by law enforcement at police stations, of how I have woken up to boys assuming my sleeping meant I was giving consent, how I have been threatened and pushed and name called, how I have to end this sentence but there are so many experiences to add and you haven’t earned the right to hear all of them yet.

Shamelessness is a quality commonly found in predators. Shamelessness reminds those of us who have been diminished at the hands of it of how we hold the shame for those who can’t. This level of shamelessness breeds toxic shame in its victims. We take it out on our bodies and our minds and ourselves. People who have no internal system that dictates behavior, tone, language, and actions are DANGEROUS. It is our responsibility to enforce how not OK this truly is.

If you feel compelled to defend Trump or others who say or do such things, please imagine saying your defense to a victim of rape/assault/abuse/harassment/etc. Imagine how it would feel to look into the eyes of someone whose world has been taken from them, destroyed, and then returned to them shattered and, with a straight face, to tell them that ”that’s just something men do,” and to know that you’ve become another person who has held down their ability to move forward, to heal, and to live.

We will not be silent. I want to know your experience. What you have to say matters. More hearts = more love = more views=more support for those who feel alone. You are not alone.

To all the people who are reminded of what has been done to them: I love you. I’m sorry.