Exhaustingly Basic.

My dad is what many would consider a “man’s man” (traditionally masculine in nature and interests). He is a strong protector + provider, resolute in his beliefs + values, and highly opinionated. He and I often bump heads because we’re very similar, but we always find our way back to our love for each other.

Well, I remember taking a long ride with my dad one day, shortly after my divorce. My dad, for the first time, shared with me the experience of his first marriage. He acknowledged how brokenhearted and hurt he was and how he moved through it. He shared how my mother was integral in his healing journey and how patient she was with him when they first met. I feel like I really MET my dad that day. It was the most vulnerable conversation we’d ever had (the second most — when he opened up to me about his experience in Vietnam).

After that initial conversation, it became more apparent to me that men actually do have the capacity to express their emotions from a place of vulnerability. If my dad, this Vietnam veteran who grew up as a child of sharecroppers in the Jim Crow South and was in the first class to integrate his high school, could open up and share his relationship hurt and pain with me, then surely other men could do the same.

As I witness so many negative conversations on social media about heterosexual relationships between Black men and women, I find myself hearing the words that go unspoken. I often sense that both women AND men are creating rules and expectations to shield themselves from vulnerability and hurt. I recognize it because I, too, have tried this. I’m here to tell you…it doesn’t work! Nor does trying to base every relationship off of some formula.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are a few nuggets of wisdom coming from some of these conversations, but what I can tell you is that if you expect to move through your life and relationships with everything perfectly in place for you to never have to shift, change, or experience heartache you’re missing a key point of being human.

But above all else, these relationship conversations are so exhaustingly basic to me. People are really out here listening to “experts” or gurus who’ve never once stopped to share their own personal experience with what they’re talking about. Not to mention, have no credibility (read: whose mans is this?). In my opinion, that’s fraudulent.

Honestly, I need more nuance in these conversations. I need more consideration for how no two people are exactly the same. I need more acceptance of the idea that the only way to true connection and intimacy is through vulnerability. I need more honesty about why we’ve personally adopted certain beliefs and practices. I need to hear less demand for “facts only” and more integration of the importance of both facts and feelings. I need conversations that involve more of us acknowledging our own heartache and how we’re showing up everyday to move through it.

Stay tuned…

#TheLoveLife™️