Butterfly, Owl, Hamster
Last month I attended a housewarming dinner gathering at a friend’s studio in Williamsburg. It had been a while since I met new people outside of my coding fellowship program or a tech industry Meetup. Reflecting now, I appreciate that my experiences over the last three years have altered my default social settings from stunningly shy to easily outgoing in the right environment, of course. After some small talk and a delicious meal, we sat down for some party games. One of the women opened up a conversational sharing game with the question: “What is your favorite animal?”
“What is your favorite animal?”
We went around the circle, starting with me, and shared our favorite animals. I easily said butterfly. Others shared theirs: horse, dog, anteater, jellyfish… I don’t remember each persons’ now. Without explanation or discussion, the game leader then asked what our second favorite animal was. It took me a few seconds, because I’d never thought much about my second favorite animal. I settled on an owl. Others continued: dolphin, elephant, giraffe… And finally, a round of our third favorite animals: hamster(mine), rabbit, pig, wolf, dog, whale.
Now having shared our top three favorite animals and feeling excitedly anxious about what analysis these choices would bring, she revealed that the first animal we named represented ‘What we thought of ourselves’. It came as a half surprise to me, but I think most people recognized the connection. We went around and shared how we thought we were similar to our animals and described features, perceptions, and personifications of the animals.
Butterflies have long been my favorite creatures, for their representation of transformation and metamorphosis. Aside from their delicate beauty and fleeting presence, one less popular observation about butterflies that I’ve internalized over the years is that when you look at them more closely, they are actually kind of ugly. I only said the transformation stuff out loud, but a visual of the fuzzy body of a butterfly stayed in my head with the chorus of that Hilary Duff song playing over it.
…one less popular observation about butterflies that I’ve internalized over the years is that when you look at them more closely, they are actually kind of ugly.
The game leader questioned, “So do you identify with a butterfly in that way? Do you feel like you’ve transformed?” I nodded in agreement. It’s been a consistent theme throughout my twenties. “I’m going through changes…” cue Big Mouth theme song.
She revealed that the second animal we named represented ‘How others see us’ and the crowd was softly exasperated. An owl? When I think of owls, I picture large, round eyes, a swiveling neck, the anthropomorphism of *wisdom*, and predatory tendencies. No one really seemed to agree with me that I believe my eyes are large for an Asian... They focused more on the nocturnal nature and attentiveness, briefly touching on a sense of wisdom. A tiny bit of a stretch, but I accepted it. This was a party, after all.
No one really seemed to agree with me that I believe my eyes are large for an Asian…
Then we learned that the third animal represented, ‘What we actually are’. I was a little bit stunned. I chose a hamster because it was the only pet that I ever bought for myself (my parents used to buy us beta fish) and I had one in college. I thought Baby was the prettiest teddy bear hamster I’d ever seen and she was the cutest little narcoleptic thing amongst her hyperactive sisters. But she would bite me if I pet her in the wrong spot, wouldn’t let me hold her, and she would often keep me up at night running on her wheel and gnawing on the metal doors of her cage. “How do you think you are similar to a hamster?,” she asked me. “I want to break free from the cage.”
“I want to break free from the cage.”
I think verbalizing that statement brought some things to light for me. It’s a great metaphor for the way that I actually have been living my life for the last three years. Metamorphosis and coming into my next form are surface level observations, but gnawing on the bars of a cage to try to break free is a more accurate depiction of the state of my soul.
…gnawing on the bars of a cage to try to break free is a more accurate depiction of the state of my soul.
I’d spent so much of my life trapped by rules and expectations that others held for me. I spent years held captive by the voices in my head telling me to stay quiet, don’t embarrass yourself, you’re wrong, they’re right, you’re not good enough, follow the rules, no one cares what you think, you’re invisible.
It took twenty-five years for me to find my voice. It took a family member’s near-death illness for me to realize and acknowledge my mortality. It took life-endangering behavior in response to overwhelming stress and anxiety for me to realize that I needed to be saved. It took learning faith for me to realize that there is a way out, and that I deserve better.
It’s been over a month since this dinner party and it took me until now to finish this first article for my Medium blog. Welcome to my page. This is my story. My name is Maggie.
P.S. I don’t spend enough time reading other peoples’ articles on Medium so I’m not sure the proper way to format the text on here. Feel free to leave tips.
