Museum of Curious Toys & Games: Kenner’s “Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow” (1977)
Step right up, fearless reader, for the newest inductee into the wonderful and truly fantastical collection housed here at the Museum of Curious Toys and Games, a.k.a., this Medium post.
Let’s set the scene: The year is 1977.
Songs like “Dancing Queen”, “Margaritaville”, “Telephone Line”, and “Dreams” filled the airwaves. These same songs populate Spotify lists and are played in rotation til this very day, probably much to the chagrin of at least some listeners who encounter these musical throwbacks from 1977 in supermarkets, cafes, banks, and while waiting in line at the DMV.
Beyond music, 1977 is also the same year that gave us the Atari 2600, “Star Wars”, and Chia Pets. Books like “The Shining”, “Song of Solomon”, and “A Scanner Darkly” captivated the collective imagination, so blissfully unprepared for the abrupt changes to fashion, culture, and society to come on the scene in the 1980s. These are but a few cultural touchstones for the year that also brought us disco nihilism via the over-rated “Saturday Night Fever” and tech futurirsm via the groundbreakig Navstar Global Positioning System (GPS).
Still, who could forget the greatest contribution to human history from 1977 — “Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow”?
At least for our purposes, Milky is right up there. Created by the now-defunct toymaker Kenner, Milky was a type of “let’s pretend” toy intended for, as the ad claims below, “learning fun.” As we shall see, this fact is debatable.
In short: Milky is a toy cow that yields milk! By milk, we mean “pretend milk” or just plain “milk.”
Milky let’s you expel a (definitely don’t drink it, maybe not toxic, couldn’t find the ingredients listed anywhere) milk-like substance by simulating “milking” this new-found ungulate farm friend through a series of actions.
The “milk pill” pellets are pretty much the secret sauce to this whole affair and definitely not poisonous. A single pellet makes ten batches of this fake milk. Clear tap water (don’t use beer!) combines with the (extremely safe and non-toxic how could you even insinuate anything untoward about these) pellets to produce the liquid that makes this “milk” delight. Again, don’t drink the resulting liquid. It’s pretend milk for God’s sake. We have no idea what it’s made of.
How Now Milky the Cow?
In order to properly operate Milky, it’s important to at least “skim” the instructions. Bahahaahaha. This isn’t difficult to do because, after all, these instructions are fairly “condensed.”
At any rate, as you can see from the image, below, a “milk” pellet is stored in the udder, which is detachable. From a form follows function standpoint, probably the most logical place to hide the “milk pill” as they are also referred to in the instructions. Because nothing says “friendly kid’s toy” like little “milk pills” that could definitely resemble aspirin…or maybe valium (it was the 1970s after all).
Once the perfectly safe “milk pill” pellet is loaded and stored in the udder, fill Milky’s trough with water and place the trough under Milky’s head. Tip Milky’s head into the trough. Now pump the tail, because that’s how a cow gets ready to produce milk in nature. Start pumping. Isn’t this fun?
Milky then proceeds to “drink” the clear water from the trough — all enabled by this totally logical tail-pumping action. When the cow has finally had enough and can’t take it anymore because the tedium is too much to bear — it “moos” and that’s your sign to start milking.
Here’s the thing: Milky only has one milkable teat. It’s not something we like to really bring up. We don’t want to make this whole process any more awkward than it has to be. So when you milk the cow, make sure you have digested those instructions beforehand.
Once the Milky the toy cow “moos” you must milk the cow until the liquid runs clear again — because in real life, cow’s regularly alternate between producing water or milk. (Milky disruption 2.0: Alternating between milk and kombucha?)
The instructions go on to further warn us that if we keep pumping Milky the Marvelous Miling Cow’s tail after the cow moos — “pretend milk” will overflow out of one of the other teats — BUT WEREN’T THEY SUPPOSED TO BE UN-MILKABLE — SO WHAT GIVES? Deep breaths.
Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow came with a surprising number of ancillary materials, including a vinyl mat meant to simulate a water-proof “pasture” and a booklet in addition to the trough, a functioning cowbell, a container for the “pretend milk” and those absolutely, 100% safe and non-toxic pellets for turning simple tap water into a non-drinkable liquid made to resemble a liquid humans do regularly consume. There is no way kids might accidentally think this “milk” is safe to drink because even though it kind of sort of looks like milk, it’s “milk” and surely the kids have read the instructions and would know better.
Whatever you may think of Milky as a toy, one thing is clear: This has almost nothing to do with the act of milking a cow. Further, you’re not even allowed to drink the liquid. In real life, cow milk is consumed by many many humans worldwide — so that’s a major design disconnect. Would Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow pass muster today in terms of safety? Or fun? Was this toy even fun back in 1977?
Here’s a close-up of the udder, where the super safe and not lead-containing “milk” pellet hides out until they it is combined with water to make this freakish liquid that no way would any kid ever drink.
The many sides of Milky. Definitely looks better in profile.
This Wal-Mart ad promises that a “pasture” is included — and by “pasture” they mean a vinyl mat. At least it’s waterproof.
Here’s a close-up of the “pasture” with the strange perspective thanks to placement of that “sign” at the bottom.
Meet Milky’s Friends — Marko and Melissa Milkdrop
“The Adventures of Marko and Melissa Milkdrop with Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow” is the perfectly adequate and not too-long title of the booklet that is included in the Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow box. These characters are drops of milk personified as a couple of characters on the farm. These friendly mascots look somewhat unsettling, however, with their rosy “cheeks” and doll-like arms and legs.
The educational booklet tries to provide kids with more accurate information on how milk — not “milk” — is produced in real life.
“When the milk is finished, a machine pumps it into cartons that your mother and father buy at the store.”
Marko Milkdrop up close and personal
This was a decade before Marko lost everything in the Black Monday crash of 1987.
A Fine Addition to This “Museum”
This toy definitely feels like it’s from a bygone era. Due to its oddness, “Milky the Marvelous Milking Cow” deserves a prime spot in this collection of curious toys and games from today and yesteryear. But was it fun? Was it truly educational? Did kids enjoy mixing water with those totally harmless pellets that are not at all made from lead paint? Did it feel like mixing ingredients in a chemistry set? We suspect that the reasons Milky may have been “fun” had nothing to do with the intended function of the toy. The fun was probably in making a mess and letting your imagination run wild — mixing other ingredients into the “milk” concoctions like juice, shampoo or maybe even chocolate milk. This Milky toy wasn’t out on the market for very long. It was probably not a runaway success, but it has a permanent place here in the Museum of Curious Toys and Games.
Discover more curious toys and games here:
Bandai’s “God-Jesus” Robot (1984)
The “Funny Face” Board Game (1968)
Know of a game or toy that belongs in this collection? Please feel free to get in touch.
More about Margaret Wallace.
