I work with domestic survivors. I hear survivors make various versions of your argument every day. I made the same argument. I believed that, if I could just understand my abusive partner’s worldview, if I could just accept that this person’s sense of reality was as valid as mine, I would become a good person, and my daughter and I would be ok. Neither of us wound up ok. It took me a long time to realize that sometimes people’s worldviews are predicated on the idea that “what’s mine is mine, and what’s yours is negotiable” (John F. Kennedy, Jr.), and devoting yourself to understanding that perspective doesn’t make you or the world safer.