Stop! You think to much!
I don’t think there has ever been a day where my brain wasn’t wrapped up in some time warp of thought. It’s almost as if I have two brains working simultaneously. I could be doing an simple task that muscle memory just takes over and all the while my brain is completely enveloped in thoughts. What I am doing later, what do I have to do, where do I have to be, my son, my husband, finances, worry, future goals, sex, fantasy, and memories. I could really go on and on. I spend more time thinking and planning about things then I do executing them.
Since my husband and I got married 3 and half years ago and shortly thereafter had our son, I have had to navigate the world as a wife and a mother parallel. The hubs and I didn’t have the honeymoon period that we had hoped for because I became a mom 2 weeks after our honeymoon. 9 months later, almost 10 months to the day of our wedding, here comes our bouncing baby boy… wrinkly, beautiful, helpless. There I was, in what is the happiest moment of a woman’s life, thinking… “I can’t screw this up.. I gotta do this right.. I can’t raise a psychopath”. Please tell me all mothers think this way? I won’t get into our son’s birth story right now or what happened after that at the moment, but I will say this, I was deep in thought… and the only one who was helpless was me.
Fast forward three years, with a 2 and half year old son now. There have been so many changes in the last year. Thinking has been my way to control things and worry without seeming like it mattered. I could always rationalize my thoughts couldn’t I? My way of making decisions was to care about what others thought about what I did and worried that someone may think I am crazy. Living in thought, isn’t really living though.
I have a hunger to be fearless, adventurous and spontaneous. That means forcing myself to put the thinking cap away. The struggle to be less reflective is a daily one, but I am getting better at it. I just have to remind myself to be the moment, to close my eyes, take a deep breath, sigh and say to myself, “Be mindful, Be be present, relax”. I still go back and rationalize, analyze and question but at least I am making progress.
