The last in the queue

In the school was common to form a file from shortest to taller mainly for informal acts. As I was very tall, or taller than the rest of my school mates, I would always end up last. Resenting those cute kids for being at the forefront of what was going on in the patio, eventually got used to it. While standing at the end instead of looking at the front I would look at the sides; exchanging conversations with older kids wasn’t that bad. I made new friends and I felt very proud.

As I grew older the last in the queue syndrome stayed with me. My path to university wasn’t that straight forward. First I had to experience the world, travel, climbing, hiking, whatever the ticket for the next adventure was I would buy it without a doubt. The degree came later, but I’m glad for that, I had so many experiences at such a young age and met so many people in far away lands, that now I can say this is my greatest treasure.

Few years ago the lost of love ones and my incapability to hold a proper job pushed me back to the deepest and darkest tunnel I’ve ever been. I was again at the back, but this time there was not an older friend to talk to, not a distant sunny beach to relax. It was dark and I was in my own.

When everything falls apart you start to question yourself, how did I got here? What is true and what is unreal. The things you believed in, the things you must now let go.The storm that push me here is forcing me to reconsider everything I thought was “true”.

As I walk forward I discover things I haven’t notice before. Simple things that were always there: the tasty morning coffee, day dreams, a friendly smile, the robust trees in the fields, books I never read, my feet and the body they sustain, the forgotten promises I made to myself.

Then there are the obvious things I couldn't see before. The 9.00 to 5.00 dreadful square job is definitively not for me. Files that are an insult to the imagination, also drain the last bit of it. Things that can make someone happy, can make others so miserable.

I guess this is the mystery of life, realising your own potential. Exploring the possibilities. Letting go. Look for the things that only make sense to you.

I’m here at the back of the queue, all my friends are settled down with their careers. I refuse to compare myself to others, but is clear that my life is not going at the same pace as theirs.

Here and now my mind is my powerhouse, after all we create things.

As I walk inside the tunnel, I explore its walls, I learn new things, I write down ideas, I listen the birds outside, I question everything, I’m changing. Here at the back it’s less dark than I thought.