My Confused Heart..
05–17–18
“Dying to know, afraid to find out.”
Frustrated. Confused. Anxious.
I’m frustrated because I thought I was already okay. It felt like I was already back to being the person that I used to be, the person who never knew you. I laughed, danced, and smiled like you were never a part of me. You were my hope, my ray of sunshine, and my love but the day that I realized that we can’t be together, the day I realized that there’s no hope is also the day that I decided to slowly move on and let you go. It frustrates me that I have to move on and let you go. When I told my friends that I wanted to forget you they all asked me why? why now? and honestly I don’t know why. Maybe I wanted to prove to myself that I can live without you just like before I met you. I’m sad and frustrated because I was wrong. I’m sad because I couldn’t see you, I’m frustrated because this won’t probably matter to you and that I’m probably one of those girls who are crazy about you but what can I do right? So I decided to walk away from what I thought would never end.
Confused. That’s what my heart feels right now. You’ll probably never know how much I loved you. We were never an item, there was never an us just you and me but despite that I adored you so dearly. You were my strength through out the day, my happy pill during sad and rough times, you were all that to me. Seeing you fulfill your dreams is a sight of happiness for me. Maybe you’ll say that I’m being selfish if I told you that I want to be a part of every miles stone you’ll ever accomplish whether big or small I want to be a part of it because truth be told I’m still not over you. My heart never stopped, I just had to give up. Now I’m probably facing the consequences of my decisions, my heart is confused. Should I keep you? or let you go?
“Actions speaks louder than words.”
Yes, actions speaks louder than words but can you blame me if I want to hear it too. I tend to overthink things. There are a (heck) lot of “what ifs” in my mind right now.
What if he thinks that I’m crazy?
What if he hates me?
What if he thinks that I’m a stalker?
What if he’s just being friendly?
What if he actually likes me?
Thinking of you never lets me sleep. I’m always anxious about my actions, because I don’t want to face any awkward moments with you. You’re the one person that I can’t wait to see yet I always run and hide when you’re near. Maybe it’s because I’m contented with just a glimpse of you, your eyes, your nose, your dimples, your smile, and that birthmark on your forehead.
You make me happy but at the same you’re also the one who breaks me. I’ve thrown away all my lucky stars, I’ve wished and prayed but none of them came true. I’m a fool because every little thing that you do makes me think that you like me too. I might sound selfish but I don’t want to look up in heaven and cry over you again and again so please spare me from being frustrated, confused and anxious.
