A Bit of My Dark Side
I want to share with you a side of me that I hide from you.
Since birth, I have had a permanent life condition called Cerebral Palsy, and today I want to tell you that for a little over a year and a half I have been struggling with my relationship with my disability. This struggle has made me question how much I truly accept my disability. As a result, I have not felt like myself and it has affected in a way both my personal and my professional life.
I accept that getting to this conclusion and facing this struggle has not been easy. I have spent a lot of time alone in my room reflecting and honoring my emotions, shedding tears while also taking care of myself as best as possible. But, I have also beaten myself up during this time. Nevertheless, I am conscious that this shall pass.
Yes, I am also conscious that having Cerebral Palsy has brought me many things to my life which I am grateful for such as meeting many amazing people, empowerment, empathy, perseverance, and many more. I am also proud of the many things I have accomplished so far as the road to get to where I am today has not been easy.
But I also want to share that having a disability has often led me to feel underestimated, misunderstood, frustrated, disappointed, lonely, angry, sad, insecure, and fear all this while many times maintaining a smile or saying that I am well and continuing with life.
Since I was little a day has not passed where I do not feel trapped in my own body, but the reality which I am conscious of is that for as long as I live there is no escape from this trap. My mind goes faster than my body, and I find myself trapped between two worlds every day. Physically I am disabled, but mentally I am not. I am just like any other fully able person and I end up not being enough to belong in either world.
I am opening up with you not because I want your pity, but because little by little I am learning to face what makes me uncomfortable with the help of meditation and other tools. I am conscious that in order to help others I need to help myself first and I accept that as I have typed these lines I have shed a couple of tears.
Does this resonate with you? or What is part of your dark side?
I send you many blessings and much love. Take care and I hope you are well at the time you are seeing this.
