The Butterfly Effect.
About two months ago i decided it was time for a change.
Now, im not talking about the kind of change where you take all the little things that make you, YOU, and toss them all out the window. Or the kind of change where you suddenly go from one thing to something totally different. Im talking about the kind of change where you better who you are as a person, and you take anything and everything that doesnt make you happy, and you get rid of it.
Before two months ago, for about a year and a half, i was more like a caterpillar. For the longest time i wasn’t myself. I even cut twenty inches off of my hair, because it was becoming too easy for me to hide behind it. I was “the girl with the long blonde hair.” and i felt like it was taking over my identity, so i cut it off because that was something that i could change without having any collateral damage. Something i could control. But I was still sad all the time and i felt so alone, even when i was standing in the midst of all my “friends”. I put quotation marks around the word ‘friends’ because they weren’t really my friends. I was always there for them, but when i needed someone they were always too busy or caught up in themselves to care about me. They were constantly making plans without me, and if i did get invited i was always invited super last minute, like i was an afterthought. If anything happened they would all start talking about me behind my back, and there were multiple scenarios where i found out they were lying to me. It was too easy for them to turn their back on me. Every time i tried to break out of my shell and be myself around them i got looked at funny and told to “chill, Mariah.” or that i was being “weird”. I knew they werent my real friends long before i did anything about it, but the screwed up thing about it all, is that i was scared to do anything about it. I didn’t want to let them go because i was so scared of being alone that i was willing to surround myself with people who were bringing me down and stripping me of my identity in order to insure that i had someone to call “friend”.
And then, they all turned on me at once. It’s like a switch was flipped and a neon sign was turned on in their heads flashing the words “Make Mariah’s life a living hell”. And they did what it said. Or at least they tried. But I had had enough. It was time for a change. I got over my fear of being alone, because i realized that whoever didn’t love me for me, didnt have any business being in my life in the first place. I got out of bed, dried my tears, and decided it was time to stop being such a baby. Nothing was ever going to change unless i did something about it. So i left all the group chats, blocked numbers, took down pictures, and stopped expecting the best out of people who never gave me anything but their worst.
And im not going to lie to you and say it was easy because it wasnt. It was hard because suddenly my options of who to hangout with went from about twenty five, to five. I missed the few good times we had together. Mostly when i was bored at home and my real friends were busy, but still. Its a big change, but i promise its worth it.
And it didnt leave me all alone. In fact, it opened up so many doors for new and better friendships than i could ever imagine. And it frees up time to work on and better the friendships that you already have, with people who will always love you for exactly who you are. I felt more alone in my circle of twenty five friends than i do now in my growing circle of five.
I also made the decision to be happy. Now, a lot of people don’t think that being happy is a choice you can make for yourself. But it is. What you do with your life, and how you live your life is completely up to you. Yes things can happen that are out of your control but its all in the way you react to things. If someone comes up to you and says “You’re ugly”, you then have a choice of thinking “You’re right.” and going on with your life believing that you’re ugly. OR you can think “Actually you’re wrong. Im beautiful just the way i am” and then going on with your life loving yourself and not letting anyone convince you to do otherwise. I suggest the second option. I’ve heard so many excuses to not be happy. Everything from “I cant help it, my life just sucks.” to “I was born to be sad.” but neither of those things are true. Life doesn’t suck. People can suck, and things can suck, but life doesn’t suck. And you weren’t born to be sad, you were born to be happy, and to do amazing things. Choosing happiness is a hard decision and its not a fast one, it takes time and you have to have alot of patience with yourself. Don’t expect things to be change over night, things take time. But the things that do are usually worth it.
I also changed my physical appearance. Just a little. I pierced my ears a few more times, bought some ripped skinny jeans, and died the ends of my hair purple. I needed something to make the outside match the newfound strength and courage i had in me. I wanted to look as fearless as i felt. I wanted something that screamed “I AM NOT THE SAME GIRL YOU LEFT ME TO BE” So i changed. I transformed. Not away from who I am, but INTO who i am.
Like a butterfly.