What Stopped Me From Killing Myself

Maria Kathlyn Tan
Oct 9, 2017 · 4 min read

The time I decided against ending my life in favor of creating a new one

I seriously considered committing suicide.

It was 2012. Things seemed okay, but they’re weren’t.

I was smiling a lot — standing straight — walking like I owned the world, but I was feeling empty inside.

I was very active in the ESL industry — teaching non-English native speakers from about 7 to 83 years of age.

I was a freelance writer. I wrote ESL curriculums, I wrote POIs, I wrote materials for books, I wrote PRs…

I was a freelance business consultant with international clients who loved me. I was excellent at what I was doing, but that didn’t stop me from feeling empty inside.

And I was ashamed for feeling that way.

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My friends didn’t know. My family didn’t know.

It’s not because I didn’t want to tell them. It’s because I didn’t have the words to verbalize what I was feeling.

I just knew that there was something wrong. I was operating like a robot — devoid of “real” emotions. No joy, no bliss, no anger, no rage… nada!

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I felt confused. There I was, an ambitious millennial who was highly intelligent — not understanding what was happening.

Why? What?

I didn’t even know the questions to put out. I just knew I didn’t want to continue living, being and feeling that way.

I casually asked my mom, “Is this what life amounts to? Study and then work? And then what?”

She answered in her usual practical matter. “What else do you want?”

I didn’t respond.

I was thinking, if that’s the case then why live? If the only end goal were to “work”, I had reached that goal and there was no longer the need to continue living, right?

I honestly considered suicide right then and there.

But…

I knew this couldn’t be it. There had to be another way.

I couldn’t accept that answer that life was just ‘that’. I couldn’t accept that life was just that limited. I couldn’t accept that this was just what life was all about.

So I went about it the way I knew: I performed a SWOT analysis on myself. I went and bought a board.I wrote down the things I perceived as my strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats.

But I still couldn’t make head and tail of the situation.

I was drinking heavily, numbing that expanding void inside me, numbing that intense yearning inside of me to be unleashed…

I couldn’t sleep. I was crying at night. I was taking antidepressants.

One day, as I walked to a nearby hospital intending to strong-arm the doctor to prescribe me more antidepressants, something in me awakened.

I stopped in the middle of the road. I turned around and walked home hurriedly. I went online and googled “English speaking psychiatrists/coaches in Taipei”.

And that began the journey of taking back control of my life.

I started to live actively and consciously. I started questioning everything I used to just ‘accept’ as ‘well, that’s life’

Sometimes it was a zigzag road. Sometimes it was one step ahead and five steps back.

But I didn’t give up. I pursued the quest for my greatness. I went deep and allowed myself to feel all my feelings — the good, the bad and the in between.

I held on to the word “miracles” — a word that came to me the year I wanted to be, do and live more.

It took 5 years — 5 long years of slowly bulldozing and breaking whatever walls I’ve put around myself. I shattered the glass ceilings and fences I put around my delicate ego. I tried and failed numerous times.

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Until I did not fail any longer…

It’s 2017. I’ve launched my website. I’ve started my group. I’ve opened a blog .

And I’ve started going all in. I serve multipassionate high achievers like me who are unwilling to back down, who are unwilling to accept the answer “that’s it”, who are unwilling to be restricted. I aim to impact one million souls with my message:

Be the source of what you want.

Unlayer your magic — that unique awesome sauce that makes you distinct in who you are.

Anchor to your vision for yourself and the world.

And most importantly,

Spread your miracles around the world.

Because they matter.

Because you matter!

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You matter!

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