Dear Public Restrooms,

For the amount of time I’m not home in a day and the unnecessary volume of water I drink, I am bound to use you at least once. Once a day, I have to physically numb all my senses and walk into one of the most germ-infested spaces on this planet. If that isn’t the epitome of a humbling and painful experience, I don’t know what is.
Seriously, think about it. You’ve somehow managed to do something that revered historic figures to outspoken political and social activists have been fighting centuries for.
Prove that all mankind is equal.
You probably even inspired Mahatma Gandhi’s revered quote, “Mankind is one…All men are equal in God’s eyes.”
That is probably the reason why you were segregated at a time of open racism, bigotry, and ignorance.
Imagine a person, who is supposed to be “superior” to another person, walking in a room reeking of piss and human feces and appear better than another person. It’s not like that “superior” individual is going to piss oil or shit gold or diamonds. A human literally physically cannot. Maybe if a genius swallows a ring or something they may be able to shit a diamond.
We all walk into your nauseating presence answering the inevitable biological calling. There is nothing we can do about it. Unless we want to die.
So, thank you for humbling all of mankind. Including all those celebrities, politicians, and saints. Now don’t get too cocky, cause I’m sure you’re not used to hearing any sort of compliment if that is even what I’m doing right now.
I have a bone to pick with you.
Why the hell are your toilet papers so damn thin?
Like it’s already embarrassing enough to be so vulnerable in public, but having to try to clean myself with the most translucent and fragile papers on this planet is humiliating. Toilet paper gives tracing paper a run for its money. Such an insult to art.
You know and I know, no one walks out of you any cleaner or dryer. At least I don’t. We are all reminded that we’re all dirty animals that have to go home and take a shower. ASAP.
Anyway, thanks for making a shitty day even shittier and reminding all of humanity that we’re all homo sapiens at the end of the day.
XOXO,
An intellectual homo sapien
P.S. This letter is not directed at restrooms that have a water hose or jug in each stall.
