Telepathy doesn’t exist.

Mariam Adamson
Aug 8, 2017 · 5 min read

Unless of course you’re Professor Charles Xavier. ^^^

99.9% of people can’t read your mind. They may be able to interpret behaviour, tone of voice and facial expression but your thoughts, not so much. Even those who are closest to you; who may understand how you think, what triggers you and why, etc after years of being your brother/sister/mother/friend/partner, this is learnt. Not automatically downloaded from your imaginary brain cloud.

How do they learn these things? Well, probably because over time you may have communicated what you do or don’t like, maybe because you’ve had an argument about something. Or because you’ve tried to punch them in the face following a comment they made and you didn’t quite find it as funny as they did. Or maybe they’ve been around for certain life events that have had an impact on who you are today, or maybe you’ve opened up about said life events.

Sometimes, yes, as humans we pick up on certain things that people don’t tell us explicitly. Body language, tone of voice and the way we say things, communicate a lot more than we like to think. But, we’re still communicating. Consciously, or not. Some are more able to understand the less explicit ways you communicate, others are clueless.

Either way most things, in fact, almost everything a person knows about you, has been communicated either implicitly or explicitly and is therefore learnt. They haven’t read your mind.

Can you sense where I am going with this?

No? Alright.

In my opinion, a lot of people especially us women in my experience anyway, (sorry, girls) expect the people we love, to have some magic mind reading device. We believe people “should just know” when something is up with us, when we need help or when we’re feeling down. Rather than helping them out with a heads up, because if they don’t “just know” then are they really a true loved one? Heaven forbid your friends don’t just know that: you saw a picture of your ex with his brand new fiancé on Instagram and now you’re spiralling. Or that bae doesn’t just get that him continually leaving food in the sink after washing up sends you into a wild internal rage. (wild, wild, wild.. can’t say that word without hearing Ri-Ri)

Believing that others should “just know” what we need, how and when we need it, in my opinion kind of goes with the assumption that you are the centre of everyone’s universe, (there’s a word for this… narcissism no that’s not quite right. Umm..self-absorbed? Lets go with that.)

I hate to break it to you, but you are not the centre of the universe. People have their own lives and internal battles to deal with. That includes your partner too. This doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, nor does it mean they don’t want to be part of your support system. It just means that you may need to at least send a smoke signal or something if you need help.

Take responsibility for your own wellbeing and ask for help if/when you need it. If you don’t like something, communicate it. If someone has hurt you, tell them. If life has thrown you a raging fireball and you are struggling, reach out, ask for help. Make yourself available to receive the support you’re longing for. If not, don’t then open your mouth to complain that people weren’t there for you, did you allow them to be?

That sounds a little harsh, I know but I honestly think it’s true. Too often, people complain about people not showing up for them when life happens, quick to label them as “fake friends”. Throwing indirect after indirect on social media “#IKnowWhoMyRealFriendsAre #fakefriendsbelike” But, if you needed their help, did you tell them directly? If you were going through some things, did you let them know?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that we as friends/family etc shouldn’t check to see if loved ones are okay just in general. Or notice when those we care about are not themselves. Sometimes, it just takes a text or a phone call for a person in need to be like, “no, I’m not okay I’ve eaten three tubs of Ben and Jerry’s and I haven’t managed to shower in a week” I’m not taking that responsibility away from us, rather, asking us to focus on our responsibility to and for ourselves.

If you find it difficult to voice when you’re struggling or even just saying what you’re feeling, write it down. Write someone a letter, or an email, send a carrier pigeon, just do something. That’s what I do. Even if just a personal journal that no one else reads.

I mentioned in my first blog that my current, but-soon-to-end, employment status had taken its toll on a lot of things, one of them being my relationship with my boyfriend. I was so deeply hurt by certain things and I couldn’t bring myself to voice just how and why. For various reasons, partially because I was scared of him running away, but also because I genuinely didn’t know exactly how valid my feelings were.

Neither is it anyone else’s responsibility to validate my feelings. My feelings are always valid, even if I don’t always feel like it.

So I wrote him a letter;

“…I feel like: you stopped really seeing me. Like you just saw unemployment and you were turned off by it. You only saw the girl, once tenacious and confident, who had been broken by a series of personal and professional rejections. Who, was having a major crisis of confidence and was riddled with guilt about not being able to help. Like, you decided that I was not the girl you fell for, anymore…”

That wasn’t all of it, but you catch my drift. I can’t tell you how cathartic it was to get all those feelings out in some way. Reading it to him was one of the scariest things I have ever done, but we are soooo much better for it. I am so much better for it.

But, really how could I expect him to just know, how I was feeling? Outside of the so-called “obvious” feelings that can surface during unemployment. How was he supposed to just understand how his behaviour had made me feel if I didn’t tell him? Especially, if his intention was different. My point is it would have been unfair to him, to just expect him to know the entire contents of my “4 page letter” (enclosed with a kiss..) without that magic mind reader device.

No one is perfect. Everyone struggles with something or many things. Those we love the most help us through the sh*t storms that life throws at us. But, it’s just as much, sometimes more, our own responsibility to raise our hand and ask for help when we need.

The magic mind reading device hasn’t been invented yet.

Be real. Be kind. Be bold.

Xoxo


Thanks for reading guys! Don’t forget to hit the green heart and share.

Mariam Adamson

Written by

Pseudo psychology with a hint of sarcasm and a dash of shade.

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