One Thing Most Women-in-Business Can’t Get Right
Just… Be Yourselves!
You only control what you put out there: inside — out! NOTHING else!

What do I mean by that? Here is a little story for you:
The train of conversations and thoughts in my head that started after a pleasant chat over coffee with a friend on Sunday reached the culmination last night at the all-women AI panel I attended — smart, successful business ladies working at some really great and successful corporations or startups.
Not sure why but this whole week has been the whirlwind of discussions around how men and women should be treated equal, but they are not. It’s quite amazing to compare how some of the most impressive men I’ve met in life look at this subject VS some of the most inspiring and intelligent women I know. Recent article by Ellen Pao “This Is How Sexism Works in Silicon Valley” didn’t help the pile of thoughts in my head either and yesterday they hit the “bottom”.
…
I was late.
The elevator opened, and I unexpectedly found myself marching into the open space, right into the event when everyone looked at me with the look like I didn’t deserve to be there. I gently smiled and went to the registration desk to pick up my tag. Since I didn’t want to disturb others who had made effort to show up on time, I stood at the very back. I get excited every time I hear women talking about the geeky topics so I was very much looking forward to this discussion.
Thankfully, by the time I got there, they were still introducing the organizers and partners of the event. Finally, the panel got together. My standing spot turned out to be pretty good, putting the entire panel and audience in front of me, open like the palm of my hand. As they kicked off the discussion, something didn’t feel right, didn’t feel comfortable and engaging. Every time the question would be asked, panelists would look at each other, worried about who would go first, being apologetic about jumping in and just speaking up. It took good 20 minutes for them to warm up and finally by the end of the hour, we got to the good point when it was almost sad to break-off the conversation and go home.
The discussion turned out to be REALLY GOOD but while listening, I was also doing what I usually do very well: observing people! In parallel, I started thinking again about this theme of the week: men and women are equal in theory but not in practice. Hm… So I realized that whatever was going on there, on the stage, is pretty much “embedded” in everyday lives of most business women. Here are common observations I made:
Poor Poster
Sitting/standing like you don’t want to be where you are.
Low Tone of Voice
Speaking like you don’t want people to hear what you are saying.
Constant Self-Touching
All the time, touching the nose/cheeks, correcting your hair, making sure your skirt hasn’t gone up too much, etc.
No Engagement
Sitting/standing like you’ve been glued to the chair or to the floor. Yes, I understand, if you are sitting, you can’t really move much but when you spend 30 minutes in the same position — that is not okay!
Short Answers
What men are great at is speaking in broad terms: industry trends, painting a bigger picture, connecting the dots, making predictions, etc. you get the idea. That’s why most of the time people deem them as confident “experts” (quite honestly with you, I can’t even count how many times these same “experts” have been just talking BS using those big industry words, not understanding the core of the subject but that’s not a topic for this article). Women, on the other hand, stick to basics: answers are short, tactical and not strategic, not very deep or detail-oriented. It’s almost like they are scared to talk.
While these are not the only reasons to claim, here is the point I’m trying to get to and my question to you: if we, women, think we are equal to men, why do WE treat ourselves or present ourselves like we don’t deserve to be where we are?! We should NOT act like men and adopt their way of thinking or acting to look confident and worthy of the seat at the table but behaving like our presence in the room is the outcome of luck is just really not acceptable.
No one gets to control what other people think about them or do. You can’t change others attitudes unless they come to a different conclusion on their own. I do agree that society and this in particular “white boys” culture has some serious issues with treating smart business women with deserved respect and we can’t just sit and wait until they gracefully change their mind on their own. But, back to my point — we are not others mothers, wives, sisters, caregivers, babysitters to school them and teach them how to behave properly. The only thing we can do is be ourselves, shine at our best, be the first ones treating ourselves with deep respect, and whoever wants to notice, appreciate, and value us, they will. Who doesn’t, just leave them alone. It’s like the title of the article Amrit Richmond, Founder and CEO of CMYK Ventures, wrote on Medium a while ago — “If you are not getting a seat at the table, create your own table”.
It will take time, but people around you will learn how to make their ways to talk to you, to engage with you, to ask for your opinion, to value your work, and at the end, treat you as equal. You can’t ask others to practice what you are preaching if you are not practicing it on your own and leading by example yourself. So, if you want to be equal to others, treat yourself like one and treat others like THEY are EQUAL to YOU as well.
