4 Inventions That Will Shake Up 2016— A Comprehensive List
These are the game changers of 2016.
1. The Barnacle Waterproof Bluetooth Speaker
You can listen to Hamilton in the shower. Or in the car. Or in your room. Or on the street. Or in class. Or in the library. You can literally blast Hamilton anywhere you go. God is great after all.
Your friend calls this an overpriced poster. A $200,000 poster, to be precise, because you both went to private universities. Theoretically, this is the poster to end all posters — this poster will open doors for your desired career (because of course you know exactly what that’s going to be and what you want). This poster will allow you to travel for free, to understand the books you read, to make money, to make food, to do laundry, to exercise regularly, to pay the plumbing bill and the internet bill and the and the electricity and the taxes and the insurance. This poster will give you the means to pay your life away.
Or, it’ll sit in your closet for a few years, while you live with your parents because you’re too wrapped up in your own panic to do much with it. When you occasionally think to take it out, its brilliance will be so overwhelming that you won’t want anything to do with it, and you’ll probably just stuff it back in your closet.
Or, it’ll loom over your desk, still at your parents’ house, and stare at you until you’re motivated to get off your ass and use it.
Or, you’ll accidentally drop it in the swimming pool, because you’ll be spitefully drunk one night and wonder why, exactly, you have the goddamn thing, because it’s been a year of living with your parents and it still hasn’t done much for you. It definitely can’t help you find your cat.
Your college degree will allow you to save the world.
This isn’t quite a new invention, but you and I have decided it’s still important. This valuable tool lends you the lightsaber you need to fight and dismantle the patriarchy. This is the sword of justice. This is the return of the Jedi. This is what your beloved college degree, the one you got at an extremely liberal university in the middle of Ohio, has taught you is an institution well under way.
And yet, your boss seems to think it’s all right to call your sugar. Your distant relatives post demeaning comments on Facebook. Another employer rolls his eyes when you mention wanting to do a feature about female entrepreneurs. Your friend is roofied at a bar. The nurse at the hospital tells you it was her fault. You get followed by a man in his car as you walk to the gym. And it constantly feels as though no one cares enough to do something.
Eventually, you get tired of the harassment. You decide to work at a preschool, because it’s safe, and that is where you find the kindest and most wonderful people. They are tiny and friendly and they love you unconditionally. These people are unbiased, unburdened, and they are alive and well with the possibility of changing the world. There is magic in the air they breathe, and they are desperate to share it with you. You realize that the poster you spent $200,000 might be useful after all, if it allows you to spend some time with the people who will actually change the world. You decide that maybe it isn’t useless — maybe you aren’t useless, maybe there’s something to wake up for after all —
Maybe you, like those people at the preschool, can also save the world.
Finding shit. It’s amazing. You can call your cat. And then he rings. One would think you would learn that the cat is always under the bed — but there’s little satisfaction in looking without calling. And before anyone asks, your cat definitely counts as shit. Whoever invented this is probably doing well.