
Sitting here on the floor of my bedroom, I am forcing myself to write.
Writing is therapy.
What has unfolded for me, emotionally, these last two days has been overwhelming and intense.
Healing, to say the least.
On October 30th I had a relationship coaching session for my first time via Zoom with a woman named Rebecca who I was referred to by a friend and Kundalini teacher of mine, Mason.
Mason had spotted my Facebook post a while back in the “Soul Tribe And Healers In Business” FB group that I was seeking dating help/advice.

For the last 3 years, everything in my dating life has bombed miserably no matter how much “healing work” I do. Previous to these three years, I was in a very short-lived relationship with a man who lived in Toronto. It went sour because the distance put too much stress on the relationship. Among other things that I’ll leave out for the sake of staying on topic.
I’m practically at my last straw ready to scream, “WHAT the hell is wrong with me?!?!”
I will be 30 in two weeks.

LITERALLY everyone is getting married and having kids.. and I’m over here like, “how do I date like a ‘normal’ non-addicted non-attached mature adult?”
Oh,… so there’s THAT, too. I’m in Recovery.
A lot of days I forget I’m in Recovery because it’s been 4 years.
And to be completely honest I don’t have that big of a sober support group. My current support group is my friend David. We talk on the phone at least once a week.
AA never worked for me. They say the word “God” too much and leave the power outside of themselves. That’s how it feels to ME at least.
I want to FEEL powerful.
I’ve taken my power back by taking care of myself. RADICAL self-care on the daily! Booking a session with Rebecca was one of the best decisions I’ve made for my self-care.
Where do I start?
I am heart-broken. How did I get so involved with a TEACHER? Why did I have sloppy boundaries? Is all of this my fault? Will I ever fall in love again? Was this self-sabotage?
So many questions with so little time. I only had one hour with Rebecca. I likely won’t be able to book another session with her in the near future. It’s expensive!
I had literally written a LIST of different questions or topics I wanted to address.
I’ll list the LIST here since we actually didn’t cover ANY of this in the actual session (lol) :
- Do I have low self-esteem?
- I feel like I’ve NEVER gone for who I REALLY like, in terms of partnership and attraction
- Love at first sight? Or attachment at first sight?
- Why has the dating game changed over the years in which men are stepping into their feminine receptive (waiting for the girls to make the move) and the women into their masculine authority (making the move)?
WHAT WE ACTUALLY DISCUSSED:
A lot. A whole LOT.
But the most important takeaway:
An old wound was exposed.
I’m not that 14-year-old girl anymore.
Rebecca reminded me how grown women don’t “obsess” over potential partners as a 14-year-old girl would. A 14-year-old girl would doodle in her notebook about a guy. She would tell all her friends about a guy. She wouldn’t stop daydreaming and fantasizing about a guy. She would feel incomplete and sad without the said guy.
But I’m a woman. I’m about to be 30 years old.
Why am in stuck in this young girl pattern? This “old programming” as Rebecca put it?
Sure I never doodled in a notebook all day about this most recent LOVE I had. But I did get obsessive to a certain point. Or looking back, now- addicted.
14 is where it all began.
The deepest of deepest wounds goes back to when I was 14. If not for this “sexual wound” I likely would’ve never turned to addiction to escape myself and my uncontrollable pain and emotions.
It was my very first sexual experience including everything, minus actual penetration.
It was with my best friend’s brother.
His name was Andy. I had known him and his sister Nicky through the religion we were on and off involved with- Jehovah’s Witnesses.
I had a MAJOR crush on Andy. Just as Rebecca had described that 14-year-old girl tendency of obsessing over a guy- that was me to the TEE at that age.
Any time Andy was invited with us and their family to do something, my face lit up.
“Hey! We’re all going to the farmhouse this weekend. Wanna come?” Nicky would often ask me.


I would always say YES because I loved the farmhouse. But always in the back of my head, I was really hoping Andy would be there too. I liked him so much. Because Andy was one year older than me and Nicky, he would often have plans with his friends and skip out on family stuff with us. I truly felt a part of the family. Being an only child, being a big part of their family meant the world to me.
Andy had long brown hair. Skinny. About two inches taller than me. Skater boy.
One night at their house in Brookfield, I had decided to spend the night. It was like any ol’ night. I spent the night quite often, me and Nicky were SO close. Typically Nicky and I would bunk together in her room in the basement, but that night was different. That night her Mom wasn’t home so we were able to sleep in her Mom’s bed which was super big and comfy- upstairs.
Nicky and I had only been asleep for about 20 mins or so when I heard Andy sneaking into the room.
He got under the covers and laid beside me. Nicky was to my right, “sleeping” as far as I knew. And Andy was to my left. I wasn’t too sure what he was doing.
I froze. I wanted to enjoy the moment of him simply being next to me and that close. I knew I couldn’t talk or move much because if I did I would wake Nicky and the fantasy of kissing Andy could be ruined and never be a reality!
As I laid frozen with racing thoughts.. moments passed.
And then I felt his hand on my thigh.
HE HAD MADE THE MOVE!
My ‘little girl’ dream had come true! He really liked me!
Things moved fast as he pulled me close to him and we started kissing. He never said a word. We were so physical, so fast. So much happened as we tried to stay quiet in the same bed as Nicky.
After about 5–10 mins he finally said something.
He whispered in my ear,
“Meet me in my room.”
He left to head towards his room first. I stayed, breathing as quietly as I could next to Nicky.
I made sure to not head to his room downstairs TOO quick, in case he had to clean up or something. Or prepare for me in some way I didn’t even know about.
Eventually, I made my way downstairs. QUIETLY and discretely.
I walked into his skater-dungeon poster-laden room with a rapid heart rate and an openness to explore.
He kept the lights on and we took all the action to his couch and stayed there for the next hour.
We did everything except for penetrative sex.
After we had both exhausted each other, he told me to head back upstairs to sleep with Nicky in her Mom’s bed. I wanted to stay with him in his room, badly, and hold him all night. I knew the smart thing was to NOT get caught in his room, so I headed back upstairs to sleep next to Nicky.
The next couple of days proceeded to be some of the happiest days ever. I had literally manifested my dream man and my dream scenario! He liked me too!
He can be my boyfriend and Nicky can be my best friend. And we’ll go to the farmhouse together every weekend and be one big happy family. We’ll watch movies. Andy will teach me how to skate. Andy will introduce me to all his friends. Nicky will be so surprised to find out we’re in love! And we’ll always have fun and Nicky…
And Nicky…
And THAT’S where things went sour and my fantasy girl mind chatter completely came to a HALT.
Nicky wasn’t answering my phone calls.
Didn’t she remember we have plans? We always get together on Tues nights.
Eventually, I got a hold of her.
Pretty sure it’s because I rang her house phone NON STOP in a complete panic.
Eventually, her dad handed her the phone.
Eventually, she told me,
“I know what you two did. I heard everything.”
I had known Nicky for YEARS. 10 years, at that point, to be exact. Never did I ever think she would shun me or stop being friends with me because of what I did.
How was I to know she took the beliefs of Jehovah’s Witnesses so seriously?
“That’s fornication, Maria.”
I was instantly deemed as “bad association” and Nicky stopped giving me rides to the meetings of Jehovah’s Witnesses and she instantly stopped being my friend wanting nothing to do with me.
After this all unfolded, I had never cried so hard in my entire LIFE. I was unable to open up to my mother about what happened because my mother is a Jehovah’s Witness too. She likely would’ve told me my actions with Andy were wrong, too.
So what did I do?
I rebelled.
I left religion behind me for GOOD and I sought out the popular kids as I entered High School.
I needed a new support system. I needed a new way of having fun. I needed a new life.
When I was 16 I tried a LOT of drugs under the sun: LSD, shrooms, ecstasy, cocaine, pot. Alcohol too. I lost my virginity. I danced until it was dark and kept dancing until it was light again. I got my first tattoo. I got my first job. I got my first cell phone.
16 was my vengeance of the pain 14 had caused.

I continued my revenge against religion and ‘normal’ society for the next 10 years of my life.
At some point, you grow up. You realize you are NOT your pain. You are NOT your past experiences.
From 25–30 I did so so so much growing up. As much as I changed on the outside, I came to realize the real problem was an internal one. It was a spiritual problem. Yoga, meditation, and self-help naturally healed my spiritual wound.
Being deep on the healing path had eventually led me to Oct 30th, 2019 when I found myself on the floor of my bedroom crying and hold my heart center tightly as Rebecca coached me through the pain. What had happened with Andy had happened about 16 years ago, and I could still feel it, deep in my heart center. I had felt the reality of a non-physical wound- a deep scar of an emotional wound still existing in my heart chakra. Trauma. I had experienced what my body was able to remember. The body was holding onto this pain and transmuting it as a strong shield for this heart chakra. I needed to allow my tears to be the vaseline for this scar. To heal the scar so I can heal this wound. To break the shield so I can love again.
Rebecca encouraged me to keep my eyes closed and JUST focus on my heart. My right hand held onto this center tightly as if I was grasping for it desperately to revive. Tears continued to stream down my face. If I tried to talk, she would encourage me back to the heart. I had used too much “mind energy” by describing stories of why I was in pain. There was too much mind going on and not enough heart, so she had stopped me. That’s how I found myself grasping onto my heart and silently sobbing. Because I had a great coach. A safe space.
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds played in the background.

The entire session. That loveable song was on repeat for the entire 60 mins of this Relationship Coaching session with Rebecca. I needed some sort of background noise so people in the house couldn’t hear the session. I needed my center, I needed my focus. Music in the background helped.
Picture yourself in a boat on a river
With tangerine trees and marmalade skies
Somebody calls you, you answer quite slowly
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes
Cellophane flowers of yellow and green
Towering over your head
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes
And she’s gone
Lucy in the sky with diamonds
It’s been about one week since the session with Rebecca.
Each day I continue to hold my heart. Literally placing my hand over it, feeling into it, breathing into it and sending love to it.

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE
TO MY HEART
BELONGING TO
MY TEMPORARY BEAUTIFUL BODY
AND TO THE CONNECTION
FOR WHICH IT STANDS
ONE LOVE
UNDER CONSCIOUSNESS
WITH CARING AND
COMPASSION FOR ALL.
❤
With raw and brave truth, I share my Sat Nam.
Mia.
In need of a GREAT coach who can be a true mirror for what you’re currently experiencing? A great soul to guide you into your heart to heal?
I HIGHLY recommend “Work With Soul” — Rebecca, Relationship Coach.
Book with her here: https://www.workwithsoul.com/
