The Door is Open but You are Still in Prison
Did you experience a situation where you started doubting your abilities, but you didn’t know why? Do you think that sometimes you are passive and have no control over anything?
If your answer is yes, then you probably are suffering from “Learned helplessness”.
What is learned helplessness?
Learned helplessness is a feeling of passivity, powerlessness, losing control, or failure, we go through in the present moment as we believed that we were helpless in the past.
We can experience that feeling because someone in our past has convinced us that we “couldn’t do something”, or simply “we were not meant to do what we loved.”
We kept holding these hypotheses in our minds and hearts, and we went through our lives, believing that “nothing will work.”
Inescapable shock:
In 1984 Steven Maier at the University of Colorado, collaborated with Martin Seligman at the University of Pennsylvania to understand how traumatized people dealt with their fears and how their past trauma could affect their present.
In an experiment called an “inescapable shock”, Maier and Seligman repeatedly administered painful electric shocks to dogs who were trapped in locked cages.
After administering several courses of electric shocks, the researchers opened the doors of the cages and then shocked the dogs again.
A group of control dogs who had never been shocked before immediately ran away, but the dogs who had earlier been subjected to the inescapable shocks made no attempt to flee, even when the door was wide open- they just lay there, “whimpering and defecting”.
They became convinced that they were helpless and therefore couldn’t escape.
Why we prefer to be stuck in our fears:
According to the experiment of inescapable shock, we, sometimes choose the familiar fear over the anxiety of the unfamiliar.
Some people, especially those who experienced tough times in the past believe that no matter how many times they try, or how much effort they put in something, they would reap nothing.
For this reason, they prefer the fear they know over another they don’t know. They choose to be passive, victims, instead of being active or taking responsibility.
Our legacy of helplessness could make us choose the same response we get used to because, and to paraphrase what Craig Malkin said:
“We can’t escape the dangerous situation if it feels safer to stay.”
Every time we try to take a step toward what we want and need, the heaviness of our bad memories that is still living inside us makes the step impossible.
Why learned helplessness is detrimental to our mental health:
If we go on with life believing that we are in prison and that everything is beyond our control, we will easily lose hope, we will have no immunity against what life will throw at us, we will experience a great deal of anxiety, self-doubt, low self-esteem, and low self-determination and eventually our mental health would become fragile before we develop mental disorders.
If you ask a psychiatrist or a psychologist about the secret to optimal and balanced mental health, don’t expect that they would say “You have to get rid of your negative emotions”, because we just can’t.
Uncomfortable emotions, and, comfortable ones too, are not things we can easily erase from or keep in our lives.
The only route to good mental health is to lean into our difficulties and try to deal with the bad experience by using helpful mechanisms before bouncing back stronger and more determined.
To put it in other words, resilience is the key to having a healthy mind. It is the ability to face hardships, and then begin again with a fresh mindset.
How to be set free:
Before I started my journey to recover from my eating disorder, I was convinced that “recovery is not real and if so, it is just real for others, not for me.”
I lived with my disorder to the extent that it became my only loyal friend. With it, I felt safe (false safe) and I became afraid of anything else.
But I was aware of the catastrophic effects of the disorder on my body and mind, and that’s why I took a leap towards the uncertainty.
Although I knew that that leap came from a place of fear, I just did it.
So, here is what I learned and what you can do to start liberating yourself from your self-imprisonment:
1- Remember your achievements:
Even if they are tiny, our accomplishments say a lot about who we are and how far we’ve come through our lives.
“Michele Wesser” a clinical Psychologist at Maize Resilience Centre emphasizes the importance of reminding ourselves of the things we have accomplished. She recommends allocating a specific time at weekends to write about what we did during the week and about our feelings towards those achievements.
Never underestimate the things you can do. If you managed to make a cup of tea, move your body, end a project, or even if you managed to just get up from your bed, it is still progress, and as “Cory Alan” describes it:
“You are always creative and productive.”
2- Focus on the solution, not the problem:
When we feel powerless, our minds tend to write the worst scenarios and build what psychologist “Mark Tyrrell” describes as “worry upon worry instead of acting.” So, the most important step to put an end to these scenarios is to focus on what we can do, and then do it without any hesitation.
Those who are focusing on the solutions have an “optimistic explanatory style”, they have a strong immune system against depression and procrastination.
3- Cultivate emotional safety instead of emotional pain:
What separates pain from safety is the belief that we can always handle difficult situations.
At tough times, we tend to dwell on what could happen in the future. We spread the seeds of pessimism, despair, and failure throughout our minds and that leads us to the vicious cycle of more fears and regression.
Here comes the art of emotional safety. It happens when we soothe our minds and practice self-compassion by trusting our abilities and just keep repeating “Even if the worst happens, I will handle it.”
4- Surround yourself with a supportive system:
Healthy connection is a must for safety, learning, and growth. It is a cornerstone during hardships and at times when the voice of our inner critic becomes louder. That’s why we should always be aware of our social circle.
Be close to those who are positive, considerate, and empathetic, those who can listen and understand, and those who always support you and help you dust off your authentic self.
5- Now, you are a new person:
When we keep holding old false stories we learned about ourselves, we will never be able to build self-esteem and enjoy the present moment.
Yes, it’s possible that when we were younger, we went through horrific situations, believed false tales about ourselves, and doubted our talents, and yes it’s possible that those experiences were created by people who should have been our primary caregivers, protectors, and our safe havens.
But now is now, and we have become different.
Focus on your new version, on your present moment, on who you are and what you can do NOW, and never look back. Pat on that fragile scared child who is still living inside you and then take the step towards healing them.
6- Stop treating life as a to-do list:
Although we have to focus on actions and the present moment, we should not forget the role of self-care, breaks, and even small pauses.
Healing not only occurs when we start acting on what brings us peace but also when we allow ourselves to rest and reflect and when we seriously take care of our bodies, minds, and souls.
This happens when we stop treating life as a competition we must win or a list where we have to tick off more tasks. Instead, we should give ourselves a space, a room, or a whiteboard to just sit, breathe and be.
7- Think of yourself as a bird that is just freed from its cage:
Imagine a bird that starts learning how to fly, of course, they would stumble, fall, and then stand again.
Now, picture yourself as that small bird, and ask yourself: “How would you handle it?”
When we come out of the prison of learned helplessness, it is normal to make mistakes, get rejected, and even fail. That’s how life and growth are taking place. So, stop being harsh on yourself and never lose hope even if you think that “it doesn’t work.”
8- Change what you can’t accept:
The problem with learned helplessness is that it makes us feel that we are under the mercy of uncontrollable circumstances which enhances the beliefs of powerlessness and hopelessness.
However, there is always a way out.
If we can’t change the situation that we are in the middle of, we can instead change our responses and reactions.
Markus Aurelius was among many who focused on the idea of reframing the situation instead of changing it.
He said, “Your soul takes the color of your thoughts”.
Therefore, if you want to purify your soul, you have to change your thoughts.
Learn how to embrace new beliefs and responses towards what you are facing, establish new routes, and build new reactions and behaviours that serve your mental health.
I love to paraphrase what “Sonya Renee Taylor,” said while discussing how to defeat body-hatred culture, and start the journey to radical self-love, she said, “If you can’t accept it, then change it.”
Maybe you’ve heard about the tale of the newborn elephant that was tied to a tiny wooden stake driven into the ground.
The small baby elephant spent his days trying hard to free himself from the chain but he failed until he gave up.
As time went by, the little elephant grew into a huge animal but remained persuaded that he couldn’t break free from his chain. Although he is now big enough to free himself, he chooses not to try… he accepts that he is too weak.
We all go through our lives believing that we are powerless, and can do nothing to change our fate. But the more you feed your mind with these false myths, the more you stay chained.
learned helplessness is a mental and emotional burden. But here is the good news: learned helplessness is “Learned” and we can always Unlearn what no longer serves.
Just remember that the path to self-liberation is contingent on you.
“You’re strong. Your chains are weak. And you can set yourself free anytime you want.”
Jorge Bucay
Thanks for reading.
Sending you my love ❤
