Shit its hard…

I have heard a million people say its hard to have your own business, but I never imagined just how hard it could get. On Friday I worked till 10:00pm, I was alone and it was quite, for a change I could think, strategize and plan. It was hard, I sat with my head between my arms for more than an hour, thinking…. Just thinking

All I wanted to do was give up and run away !

REALLY GIVE UP, that was my plan after an hour of thinking.

I pulled myself together, sat up straight, wiped my tears and took a deep breath. I remember a wise phrase “if its easy, everyone would do it” I pulled out plain white paper from the canon printer in the corner, grabbed my red permanent marker and started brainstorming and drawing mind maps.

I wrote down the issues, the things that were keeping me awake, I wrote down every project, totalling 22, the issues related to each one, I wrote down who was responsible for what, where we had gaps and what my plans were to fix these…

I quickly realized that we have too much work. In todays terms this is a good problem to have. However we are still a small company, we have grown to quickly and I dont have the cashflow to appoint all the professionals I need, our projects take an average of 18 months before we bill. I realized I have been picking up where my staff fall short. I am working 24/7 and that I am scared ! I am so scared I am not experienced enough to handle the issues, how could a 31 year old young girl be the owner of this company… doubtful fearful and completely out of my depth I kept brainstorming solutions

My 16;00 meeting on Friday was with my coworker, the person that I chat to, trust and helps me where I fall short, attends the meetings I cant, the person I believed would one day take over the business when I was ready to start another, we all have one person like this right !!! This meeting started with the words — Soooo I am resigning, shit what, what, I am not even coping with you here, how will I possibly cope without you.

This last week I kept thinking about the work load, the clients expectations and how we were going to meet all their expectations, I didn’t see this coming. Things go wrong and even tough all I thought about for an hour was to give up, I have faith, I know I cant get through this on my own, I cant fix everything, I cant be everything, BUT I have a GOD who can.

After all my tears and brainstorming, I sat back, opened the 1 book that always reveals the truth, and I was reminded that I am not alone, this is not my bussiness, this is not my issue, I remembered all the pretty motivational quotes about not giving….

I am not giving up, I am fighting, not for money but for the vision… my vision to change the world, for what Jesus has placed in my heart.

All I can say is that it has been really hard, I am standing on a rock that is keeping me above the water and that I will conquer this challenge. I will not be shaken ! I might not fly but I will keep standing !

Whoever you are, wherever you are, just keep going ! Its never as bad as we tend to think, and you will get through this !

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