“Learning to Say No” Doesn’t Mean You’re Suddenly Allowed To Flake

When I was 16 I found a recipe in Cosmo for a Valentine’s Day dinner to “cook for my man.” Eager to impress my high school boyfriend, I planned an elaborate feast. I bought a red dress. I lit candles.

My parents, however, had planned a trip for that weekend and told me I’d have to reschedule. But my dad — both accommodating and protective — said he would stay home and be chaperone so I could have my romantic dinner.

My date was supposed to arrive at 6pm. By 5:55 I had lit the candles, smoothed my dress and poured the salad dressing. I sat at the dining room table and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

You know how this story goes.

(My high school beau wasn’t a great guy.)

I can still feel that sick anticipation. Every flash of lights was his car. Every noise was him walking up the drive. Every ding was the phone, him apologizing on the other line with some completely-understandable excuse as to where he was.

He showed up at 9pm as if he’d done nothing wrong.

Nine.

Waiting makes me feel worthless. Even a decade later, waiting takes me back and suddenly I’m a teenager at my dining room table waiting for no one as my lasagna cools and the candles melt.

I’m telling you this because I recently read a Facebook post that filled me with rage.

A distant acquaintance posted a self-congratulatory note about how she just bailed on all her commitments. Here’s a re-enacted version:

I’ve had enough! I looked at my calendar today and realized I’d overbooked myself. Again. I agreed to give a talk on Monday, had a deadline on Tuesday, am running a retreat on Wednesday and blah blah blah. I finally said ENOUGH! I called each and every one my commitments and cancelled. I feel so free! It’s finally time for me to start saying no to opportunities that don’t serve me. Off to take a bubble bath now and take care of ME!

What followed with a slew of comments like:

You’re so brave!

Way to go. So proud of you!

Take back control girlfrennnn!

That must have been so hard!

Um. No.

Just because you need to learn a lesson about overcommitting, doesn’t give you permission to be a flake.

Whoever told you “bailing is brave” needs to be stood up at a restaurant every night from now until eternity.

Bailing is easy, not brave.

Bravery is knowing you made a mistake, then doing it anyway because you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or leave them in the lurch.

I see this too often — in my peers, on the internet and, regrettably, in myself.

I say yes more than I should. If someone invites me to an event after I’ve already scheduled my week I think, “Oh, that’s totally doable after I go to my doctor’s appointment, walk the dog and have those two Skype meetings. I’ll just do everything quickly.”

I worry if I start saying no I’ll stop being invited to things. That people will think I’m a loser.

Saying no is hard.

We need to change our behavior

I hosted a little party a few months ago and half of my RSVPs just never showed up. I had spent all day prepping, cleaning and buying supplies. When half of my guest list never showed, I figured they just didn’t like me.

Some texted with weak excuses (excuses I’ve used before). Some didn’t even bother.

I don’t think it’s a solely a generational thing either. It’s a right-now-thing.

I’m seeing more and more articles about how we need to be more selfish and “honor our truth.”

And while I’m the first one to jump on the self-improvement bandwagon, these articles are confusing us.

So let me clear it up:

Owning the word “no” does not give you permission to be a flake.

When you flake, you’ve already made a commitment. You’ve said, “Yes, I’m interested in this. That sounds like fun and you can count on me.”

We don’t need to practice saying no.

We need to practice asking ourselves: Do I really want to do this? Do I have time? Does this light me up?

We need to practice taking a beat before we say yes.