The Year of Fear

A FINE screenshot, courtesy of Art With Impact

Our new year’s resolution was to have another baby. We really wanted a second child. By the end of January, 2015 we were told I was pregnant again. We expected some discomfort as I hadn’t felt well during my previous pregnancy.

As weeks passed, I started to feel tired, cheerless and suddenly distressed. By the end of April, my life as I used to know it became completely paralyzed because of a deep depression. I was supposed to be one of those happy pregnant women holding one boy’s hand while caressing her belly. I was supposed to keep going to work and to do a perfect design work while expecting my new boy, but I didn’t have enough strength even to answer one single e-mail from home. Neither to spend five minutes reading a story to my two year-old boy before cuddling him in bed. I was not that happy pregnant woman. I was depressed for no apparent reason. A desired baby was arriving, he was ok, I was ok… but a dark pain was everywhere.

The new baby was born and things just went worse. What we expected to be one of the happiest moments of our lives was hell for us.

After 10 months, supported by my beloved ones, medication and some special souls around me, I finally was able to rise stronger. It was early 2016.

I still have good and bad days, but nothing compared to those days. I guess this is more what real human life is like. Not perfect, with ups and downs.

It’s been a year since then and I feel proud when I look back and see how much I’ve accomplished.

I am learning how to live an imperfect and grateful life. I am doing those things I don’t know how to do, instead of doing those I am good at. I am challenging my social phobias, frequenting new environments and meeting new people. As a designer, I am showing up with my work in progress and facing other’s feedback. I ask for mentorship and help. I say “I am sorry, this is what I can give right now”, “I don’t know” and “Thank you for being there”. I am also talking about my experience and helping other people deal with similar issues.

If you have a story to share, I’d love to hear from you. By sharing our experiences we can help the stigma ends.

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