Modern Relationships
I spent the last two hours learning about cat-fishing, reverse image searches, spokeo.com and searching social media profiles. What I truly learned is how very little I know about the modern dance of relationships. I have tried to play along. I found my best , new pictures (which of course had to look exactly as I do right now), uploaded them to tell the story of Maria . I swiped left. I swiped right. I then waited to virtually “match” with, then text for a few weeks(maybe months),then maybe “hang out” not date (this I am told would assume a commitment), or be ghosted . This depending of course whether there was someone better. Then it was time to uninstall that app because the new one had “better quality men. ” I don’t remember how or when dating began to feel like shopping . I don’t remember when communication became faceless .
I don’t remember what happened to cause me to get nervous and look away because a man (who didn’t want money) actually smiled at me and made eye contact in the street.
I wish I had just smiled back .
To be fair it is not just dating apps I am frustrated with. I have recently excommunicated myself from facebook. Why? It began with your and you’re. No one was using you’re at all anymore. Sounds silly ? What it really meant was no one was putting in effort to communicate effectively at all. Then, it was there, they’re and their. Then , I began to see the acronym IRL. In real life — as opposed to the idealized versions uploaded to promote only what we want others to see. Then- duck lips, blocking, defriending, filters, political debates, rudeness , food dishes, and silence. I found myself experiencing this silence (no likes or comments :) ) at a time when I desperately needed it, even watching many walk virtually and physically from me. I am sure I too have been guilty.
Digital communication allows people to avoid awkward and emotionally uncomfortable moments. So when those moments do happen in real life, rather than being able to deal with awkwardness as a normal part of everyday communication, we hide. Sherry Turkle, social psychologist and Director of the MIT Initiative on Technology and Self, calls this the ‘Goldilocks effect’. You can have your friendships at the temperature you want them — not too close, not too distant, just right. And when you want to end things, it can usually happen without penalty from family or community.
My situation was emotionally uncomfortable therefore avoided . In a virtual world it is easy to scroll by vulnerable feelings to get to kittens and sunsets . Unfortunately , the same seems to be happening IRL.
Empathy and authenticity is fading . Narcissism is rising or maybe given a big screen tv to be displayed on now . Self promotion and branding our bodies has become the norm . It is an Insta famous world where everyone has their 15 minutes, but is it really what our hearts are needing ?
Each time I think I have finally accepted and adapted to technology today, I receive a notification and I remember voices uttering words strung together to express thoughts, sometimes ending in hour long conversations. Each time I think that maybe I can accept how distant we have become in a world that is constantly “connected”, someone sends me an emoji(the smiling one) and I remember the sound of laughter, the kind that leaves you gasping for air while rolling around on the floor, holding your belly saying, “Stop, stop, I can’t breathe.”
Tonight, I presented a situation to a friend(through a messaging app). I have texted for a few minutes each day with a man I matched with NIRL (not in real life ;) ). It was on an app I have just discovered . Yes , I’m not particularly up with the times . No, the situation was not OK , Cupid . “You might be getting catfished Maria.” I had to look this up. The person I have been texting with may not be real. I started investigating and thinking. Why? Why would someone make up a false identity. How did we let relationships get to this level of deception? How far would it actually go if in fact one is vulnerable enough to fall for it?
I teach children. I use technology in my classroom. I use technology every day personally. I write. I write about video games. I have traded and invested in cryptocurrency. I am very much interested in the advancement of technology and the benefits to it. But sometimes, secretly, I long to go back to the time when my number was eyeliner scribbled on a matchbook that we happened to find in someones back pocket. I long to wait for and receive that call three days later, (not two or he would be desperate). I may get it. I may have to rewind my answering machine messages two , three times until I could make out the numbers he said. And, we would talk nervously at first but there would be sounds . There would be words strung together to express thoughts and laughter, the kind that makes you hold your belly, unable to breathe yelling “Stop, Stop…”
