Make Soup Great Again With These Seasonal Features

A steaming ladle filled to the brim with Trump’s spray tanner, just one of our hot sellers

As the weather gets chilly, we’ve spiced up our menu variety to offer YOU some of the best soup around! Tired of your typical garden variety offerings now that vegans are trying to take over the world? Feel like your soup options are too censored these days? Well, fear not, for we’ve come to save the day!

Our new and improved soup menu offering is perfect for anyone*

*By anyone, we mean racist uncles at the annual holiday dinner, that one Facebook friend from high school you had to unfollow after they started sharing Russian-fueled propaganda on your newsfeed, and possibly a few grandparents.

These soup options aren’t for faint-hearted liberal snowflakes. When you delve into a heaping bowl of one of our soups, women (and men with man-buns) will faint and Trump’s hypothetical border wall will grow another foot.

So what are you waiting for? Here are our top five personal favorites, hand selected and crafted by our top artisan chefs.

  1. “Hot as Global Temperatures” Soup — Named in honor of the climate change hoax, this soup is pure liquid, just like the polar ice caps will be in about five minutes. But be careful — it’s hot! (As hot as fake news likes to claim our earth’s rising average temps are). Every time you purchase this, we’ll cut down a tree.
  2. “But Her emails” Bisque — Served on a lush bed of “Hillary for prison” bumper stickers, this soup will leave your taste buds wanting more. Just like you’re left wanting even more patriarchy, or even more sexual assault perpetrators walking free! That’s why we suggest pairing this soup with the #HimToo lunch meat sandwich and the Slut-Shaming milkshake. We’re a one-stop shop for all your woman hating needs.
  3. “Twitter Troll” Chowder — The only thing as thick as this menu item is your web of twitter lies and made-up statistics about the economy. You’ll love the tasty chunks of meat as much as Trump loves taking credit for Obama’s successes.
  4. “Yeahhh, Turns Out I’m Just a Racist” Soup — Home-style chicken noodle soup served with saltines and an NRA membership. Nothin’ says true American like chicken and a side of racist tweeting. You must stay STANDING while eating this soup. If you kneel at any point, we’ll send an assassin to berate you for hating your American flag, ya damn Yankee.
  5. “Voter Suppression” Stew — Much like America’s melting pot (JK, immigrants are unwelcome unless their name is Melania), this stew is a wide mix of vegetables, meat, and gerrymandering. Oh, and we can’t forget! Every 5th order of this stew, we’ll purge 2,000 voter registrations.

Keep up to date with all our latest soup varieties! We’re always changing up our menu, just like Trump changes up his stances on Twitter! Gotta keep the socialists on their toes.

“woman reading newspaper” by rawpixel on Unsplash

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Writer and runner. Published in Slackjaw, The Belladonna, Points in Case, and my top secret diary.

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