In a shocking turn of events this week, officials from inside the DNC leaked critical emails about the coronavirus outbreak, revealing the entire thing to be a hoax fabricated by the liberal agenda to stop a local girl from draining all of her money on takeout.

After the leakage, political leaders admitted to the scheme, leaving society wondering how this could’ve happened, and what could be so bad about one girl who likes to order food.

Yet perhaps the measures were necessary. Anonymous sources have confirmed with our news station that despite numerous attempts to block her from the local bagel shop, interventions from her family begging her to buy fresh produce at the store, and even a freeze on her checking account, local girl Maria was unable to stop eating out. …

I’m the master of staying home all day, every day. Here’s my advice to get the most out of remote work during the Coronavirus outbreak, or any other time you’re stuck at home during a similar doomsday scenario.

Outline a Schedule for the Day

Many hours of unplanned time throughout the day can feel daunting, so it’s of utmost importance that you create a structure and stick with it.

I’ve found that for me, scheduling in a few work periods between my five morning naps is critical. …

If we want to claim America back from the grips of a president so orange he could get mistaken for a bottle of SunnyD, we need a candidate who can get the job done. A candidate who’s immune from the typical issues that come with career politicians and hollow rhetoric, a candidate who is as charming as they are menacing. Someone who can cast a spell on the American population. (And no, I’m not talking about Pete Buttigeg casting spells on the population of Iowa. Buh-bye, Pete.)

I’m talking about Bloody Mary, the hip phantom chica that’s been appearing in the mirror and traumatizing children for decades. …

Editor’s note: This is a Belladonna Throwback Thursday post, where we republish old favorites so beloved, they deserve your laughter all over again.

Dear applicant,

We hope you’re well. We regret to inform you that we are rescinding our recent job offer. After the tireless and extensive efforts of our HR team, your final background check came up with numerous red flags we missed during the initial screening. Through careful consideration of the facts at hand, we don’t believe you’re the right fit for our company culture. Out of fairness, we wanted to quickly highlight their findings below.

According to Susan from HR’s extensive work detailing your past endeavors — Susan really could be an FBI agent if she wanted, she’s crept on so many friend’s exes — your online profiles fall directly into our most dreaded bucket: Was A Punk Rock Kid in the Early 2000s. …

Before Instagram feeds and follower ratios, the only way a girl could climb the social ladder at her school was through rocking the latest Lip Smacker Lip Balm, Gloss, and Shimmer collections.

While a Dr. Pepper flavored balm could secure you a spot at the loser table for eternity, bringing in the latest frosting-themed variety pack was a sign you might just have the “It” factor.

Here’s how they contributed to my fourth grade social status in Ms. William’s classroom, rated on a scale of 1 to 10 depending on how much they boosted or sabotaged my popularity:

Lip Smackers Lip Sparkler, Vanilla Frosting Flavor: 9/10

Hello,

I’m the president of the “Uncut Gems” Hatred Support Group. Welcome. I ask that you please take a seat and discard any Adam Sandler memorabilia at the door.

This includes any Tuesday Night Trivia Facts you have retained over the years about “Happy Gilmore” or “Click.” Yes, even if you liked those movies, Keith. Stop asking. I still demand you empty your mind of all positive remnants about our ex-friend, Adam Sandler.

Also, the main character’s name is Howard, so anyone named Howard, GTFO of the support group right now and make this whole recovery process easier for us.

I’m here to create a safe space for anyone who was not wowed by the critically acclaimed “Uncut Gems” film

This group is for you if you feel like Sal from Impractical Jokers is waiting behind a curtain somewhere to reveal that “SUPRRISE! You were just a part of our high jinks, and yes, the rest of the world hated it as well and thought Adam Sandler could never land a dedicated girlfriend (especially one who could’ve gotten with the Weeknd instead), considering the atrocious way he ran his business. I mean, selling a Bedazzled Furby gold necklace? Slacking on cleaning his dirty fish tank? The depressing, sickly ambience of his store? Come on. A girl can do better. …

Take a shot of your choosing* if anyone in the family says:

*Shot must be from a list of your mom’s pre-approved dessert shots that she’s already prepared for the vacation to cope with being trapped in an Airbnb that only gets three television channels

“I hate those things, they’re just asking to get hurt!” — referring to motorcycles weaving between lanes on the highway while your family is stuck in traffic

Drink twice from an oversized mug of the disgusting Airbnb coffee if anyone in the family says:

“Did you know Zoey 101 was filmed at Pepperdine?” — despite the fact someone else in the family already said this and now you’re trapped in an endless ‘fun fact’ loop about Zoey 101

Buy yourself an overpriced smoothie from the beach hut that’s made to look like it’s got a laid back hippie vibe but uses iPads to take your order if anyone in the family says:

“There’s my future house.” — while pointing at a beachfront…

CVS Pharmacy customers, how many times have you called the pharmacy and been frustrated to discover you’re talking to an interactive, automated recording on the other end of the line instead of a human?

Now, how many times have you taken that frustration, coiled it into a tight ball of anger, and hurled it onto that innocent robot voice, instead of thinking about the robot voice’s feelings?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Buncha assholes you all are. Not once did you ever stop to think about how I, the interactive CVS robot voice, felt about your complaints and harassment.

You thought just because I’m a recorded voice without an identifiable name, you could be mean to me over the phone. You thought I was just dying to take care of you, to drool over your asinine requests. To sit still while you berate me over the confusing directions entirely out of my control. …