Is it fine to decline an invitation and not state a reason? P.S. I just want to relax and stay at home
“I am a single and not very social person. Given the choice between going out on a Friday night and relaxing at home, reading or ‘netflixing’, the ‘going solo relax mode’ would win almost all the time. However, I still feel pressured when I get invited… I feel guilty for not having a ‘proper’ reason to bail out.”
Dear Ms. M,
I am a single and not very social person. Given the choice between going out on a Friday night and relaxing at home, reading or ‘netflixing’, the ‘going solo relax mode’ would win almost all the time. However, I still feel pressured when I get invited by colleagues, friends, or family members for dinners, parties, and picnics (I particularly detest being invited for weekend activities that take the whole day…ugh). I feel guilty for not having a ‘proper’ reason to bail out. I think some people still get upset when you decline an invitation, and there seems to be an expectation to explain why you can’t make it.
Do you think it’s fine to decline an invitation and not state a reason? Is it right for people to expect their invitees to provide a reason if they can’t come. Personally, I don’t mind people not telling me their reason for rejecting my invite (not that I do a lot of inviting, but still). Is it considered bad manners to say no without explaining why?
Sincerely,
Happy Introvert
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Dear Happy Introvert,
I have read a lot about this topic and it seems like the short answer to the question on whether it is fine to not give a reason when declining an invite, is YES. Most of the ‘manners experts’ are in agreement that as long as you decline ‘politely’ then all is well. Saying “I am so sorry, but I’m afraid I can’t attend” should be sufficient.
So, if you’re just interested to know if it’s perfectly fine not to give a reason, then you may stop reading here. Most experts say, yup, you’re all good. However, for me, declining invitations becomes tricky once you consider at least three factors: your relationship with the person inviting, the context/situation, and their preferences.
Let me explain these factors in detail.
Your relationship with the person
Saying no to people who are not very close to you without explaining why is not a big deal. In most cases, they probably don’t really care if you come or not. So, you don’t need to worry about that colleague who just invited everyone from the office, or that new neighbor knocking on doors. But saying no to a family member or close friend may require at least some explanation. If these people are super close to you, they probably know you well enough. A friend might say, “I’m inviting people for dinner on Friday. I don’t think it’s your thing, but just letting you know. Come if you feel like it.” Lovely friend, right? But the same friend might say, “I’m having some people come over on Friday. I’d really appreciate it if you can make it.” Now, this might require some explanation if you decide to say no.
The main point is, some relationships matter more than others. If we want to keep them healthy, it’s important to think about our interactions and ensure that our responses support the growth, or at least maintain these relationships (if they are worth keeping).
The context/situation
Let’s go back to the example of the colleague who invited everyone in the office. Imagine if you and this person used to have the same rank then this person got promoted. You were advised that you will be under this new boss/supervisor. Do you think declining without giving some explanation would be fine? Some people might read more into it if you respond with a simple no. That doesn’t mean that you have to attend this person’s party if you don’t feel like it, but given the context, it’s advisable to have a well-crafted response. People usually make their own explanations when you don’t provide one, and this is particularly true in situations like this one.
“I hope she is happy with my promotion. Is she not? Why is she not attending my party? No reason given? Is this a red flag? I hope she won’t be difficult to work with.”
The person’s preferences
Let’s admit that some people are a bit sensitive. Not saying that we should be manipulated by others and just give in to their wishes, like being present whenever they want us to be there. However, if we are well aware that a plain ‘no’ would cause these people anxiety, then why risk it? It doesn’t need to be an elaborate explanation but just enough to reassure them that everything is fine. Be mindful that for some people, a decline is interpreted as a rejection– Maybe she doesn’t like me? Did I do anything wrong?
Let’s be real. The world we now live in is more emotionally charged than ever. It is so much easier when we can just go about our lives without having to explain our actions and decisions. Unfortunately, whether we like it or not, even the simplest action or inaction can be interpreted in multiple ways. Of course, we have the option to not care about what others think and feel and do what suits us. This is fine too, as long as we are aware of the consequences.
Finally, whether you decide to say yes, no, offer an explanation or not, it is very important to respond in a timely manner. Especially for events that require preparation, be considerate so that people can plan for the number of attendees and not waste time and money for no-shows.
Hope this helps,
Ms. M
