
Mental Illness — Rules of Engagement
To tell my story of living with Bipolar disorder, Anxiety, Depression and PTSD is the equivalent of bungy jumping. At first, I’m high then I’m so low I’m about to crash but somehow, I don’t. This is the feeling I have had for the past two and half decades. Can you image living your life not knowing who you’ll be from day to day. I’m manic, oh wait, I’m depressed, no that’s PTSD never to be confused with my anxiety. Most of all I’m the greatest illusionist on the planet not Penn and Teller. I have been able to convince the world that I am completely normal. Well, until now! I mean who would believe I have hit the trifecta of mental illnesses, contemplate suicide daily yet smile big and pretty all day. Trust me I know I’m not the only person that suffers from mental illness that does this but right now I’m the one blowing the whistle on us. My life is completely the opposite of what I portray to people. I’m not happy, I don’t really want to smile, I don’t want to hear your happy stories and the wonderful things you do. Why, because I only get those feelings when I’m manic and that does not last that long. It’s so not fair. My mind totally entered the rules of engagement without my permission. I mean at what point did my mind decide it had enough? I have so many questions like which combination of traumas in my life causes my mind to lose control? Can I somehow take it back? Believe me this is not a game and I’m not making light of my mental illnesses. Because the honest truth is there are different rules of engagement for all of us and I’m still trying to figure mine out.