Secrets, sadness, scariness , all this over and over again, I hold it in for so long, now I need to let go, I am tired of living this way…I am so tired of this misery of life.

How things started
It was three years ago, a regular day in the life of a dull girl, my boring life! From home to school, from home to work, but always back home…, But that night, that night my life changed.
On April 21, 2014, I was walking home just, as usual, listening to music, thunderous, as I am accustomed too. My mother always warned me to be careful, to always look around me when I walk alone in the evening or any time of the day. She was always over protective, I always yelled at her, telling her to leave me alone, I am a grown-up woman, I am 20 now and can take care of myself. If I just had listened, today I wouldn’t be telling you this, today I wouldn’t be in this situation.
That day I woke up at 9.00, to go to school, around that time my mother had already left for work, around 7.00, I know it for sure, I heard her closing the door when she left. I did my usual routine when I woke up, around 10.30 I saw the clock and saw that I was late to go home, I hurried up, got dressed, grab my keys and go to grabbed my bike at the bicycle parking outside. It was already 10.45 around the time I was outside. My exam started at 11.00, so I needed to be fast, mostly I cycled 20 minutes to be at school, but to make it on time I wanted to make that 20 minutes, 15 minutes that day! I put my headphone on, at its loudest, just as usual and left. I made it on time. I ran inside and made it for that exam.

Why didn’t I just let it go?

When I was doing my exam, I saw this guy trying to copy from me, I didn’t let him. I warned him that if he continues, I would tell the teacher. He continues, so I called the teacher, and they took him out of the exam. Before he left the room, he looks at me infuriated, it was a bit scary, but I didn’t care, I hated when people wanted to profit from me! After my exam, I wanted to hang longer outside after school, alone, always alone! I went to this park I used to go to when I was a little kid, and it was always nice to go back there when I wanted to change my routine. I had this book with me that I was reading, with my headphone still at its loudest. There were a few people when I arrived at that park, but I was so into my book and the music that I didn’t realise almost everybody already left by that time, when I looked around I realised how quiet it was there. So, I decided to walk back to my bicycle to go home, when someone pushed me on the ground. It was him, the guy from the exam! He hit me again in the field, and tell me; I was going to regret opening my mouth. I scream to him that it was his own fault, he needed to study, I study hard, and I was not going to let him pass that exam on my efforts. He hit me again, he pulls me to this place that was even quieter. I was screaming, but no one could hear me.
You are going to regret what you did; He said again. He hit me again, that’s when my face hit the ground, and I saw this thick stick, I grabbed it and put all my strength and hit him with this stick in his balls, then I hit his head, he felt on the ground…I should have run and gone home, but I was so angry, that I hit him again, I kept hitting him with this stick… After a while, I stopped… He was bleeding so much, I got even more scared because he was not reacting anymore. I was afraid, I didn’t want to go to jail, it was his fault, he was going to kill me first, I knew he was!

The continuous misery
I ran back to home when I came back home, my mum was still not home, I knew where she had the savings, so I went upstairs grabbed the money, grab a few stuff and left. I bought a train ticket to Paris, I was so afraid, I really was, I killed that guy, I know the police will start looking for me as soon as they find his body and find my fingerprints.
That day, I also died, that girl died… I have never go back home, nobody found his body until this year. I am tired of running, I am sick of living this way. I needed to tell someone, I know they will find me, so before that happen I needed to out this with someone…

22,inlove,engage,student, insecure, passionate, introvert, curious, hopeful. If you truly want to know me, I invite you to travel this journey with me.