This is not another inspiring story these are my real struggles. This is the life of an entrepreneur trying to build a self-care business while being careless unable to take care of herself. This is my life.
Isn't funny how we tend to look at other’s social media posts and affirm how good they have it? We know that one’s social media persona vs. the real life version is somewhat far fetched. Well let’s say that is what’s happening to me. I’m NOT talking about relationship status, or travel posts but feelings generated when you have the impression that life is not enough. I’m a young Afro Latina trying to make a mark in the world. I won’t bore you with a detailed outline of events; I will just say I left my job to pursue my passion of big dreams, just looking for a sense of accomplishment that I found lacking in my life. Fast forward to now two years plus later and I’m jobless, depress, still looking for my sense of purpose while creating a brand and self-care business.
Let me tell you what I found. I couldn't fake it. Through my life struggles, depression, lack of motivation, foggy inspiration, I noticed that somewhere hidden there was a better version of me. The dream version of myself that I didn’t dare to touch because it was too much work, too complicated, maybe not that very well liked, but true to me and my convictions. Let me say what I’m finding to be my reality. Depression is real; the sense of looking for something better that seems out of reach is a fact and very damaging at the same time. This is a place where I asked and affirm “this is not enough for me, but I can’t go back to what it was.” The fear when you think, things can’t get better than this, you just stop living, and you hide in the shadow of your social media posts and Netflix. When a big break seems impossible while friends and family are congratulating you on your accomplishments and letting you know how much of an inspiration you are to them. Isn’t that some SHIT?
One thing I noticed that while my struggles got worse, and I sunk deeper. A better version of me is starting to brew. Yay! Work in progress!! How? You may ask. Well, I don’t know. All I can tell you is; I always had an admiration for individuals that I perceived to be enlightened. Individual with spiritual connections, I was always attracted to everything that had to do with wellbeing. You know those folks that seem to have an earthly connection, they look naturally flawless and they are just healthy folks in their mind, body, and souls. Some people would somewhat categorize me in that bunch, but guess what I didn’t see myself as part of the club. I followed all of them or at least most. Is true when they say “others can see in you what you don’t see in yourself.” As part of my everyday struggles I started to tap into that better healthier persona living inside of me. At first it was a struggle. It all started when I decided to go natural by not applying chemicals to my hair. OMG!! It was so hard in the beginning. Now my natural curls are one of my biggest assets and confidence booster. They say I’m here and this is me. I love that! I went through that journey for a while. Now it has gotten a lot easier and I make all my natural hair products to self-care for my curls. But again it was not enough. Something was still missing.
I tackled my closet next this love and hate relationship I been having with clothing. You see I love comfort regardless of how it looks. Comfort first is my motto. I wanted to only own garments that I would love to wear; I didn’t want to own a bunch of stuff for the sake of possessing things. I wanted to look inside my closet and love every single piece of clothing just as much. What did I do? I cleared my closet. That was awesome! For a minute I felt liberated and empowered at the same time. However, it still wasn’t enough. I told you this is not an inspirational piece.
I continue to work on my business somewhat selectively sharing my findings and accomplishments without sharing my depression struggles. Then the sickness moved from my mind to my body. I started to get physically ill. Every time I ate I was getting painfully sick. I decided to curve my diet. That was another struggle. As I mentioned I’m Latina. One thing we have mastered is the art of eating good, delicious foods or so I thought! I started to reduce my meat content. I noticed an improvement but I wasn’t fully committed. I would always struggle with the knowing that I needed to give this up. First because it was making me physically sick but also I found it misleading for those who followed my all natural, organic bath and body line. But then a miracle happened, my hubby, my angel decided he was going to join me in my journey of not eating meat. That was cool! However, we usually cooked all of our meals but they came from a Hispanic staple base diet full of carbs. I cooked what I knew and I noticed I became somewhat creative in the kitchen. This was a plus, a new found artistry that allowed me to be creative. Skin was looking flawless, I started to feel better, and I was losing weight effortlessly. The dressing on our carrot was during my husband routine doctor’s visit; where they found his blood pressure to be perfect only after a month and half on this healthier diet. This from a person that had two strokes which left him disabled. Let me say this, we don’t count calories, or watch our carb intake. We just eat fruit, veggies and grains. After his doctor’s visit my husband is sold on this new informal dietary plan. Winning!
Somehow that was not enough. We decided to completely step out off the grid. “We” got the brilliant idea. Maybe “Me” to relocate out of the country live of the land and source our natural, organic ingredients for our products free of chemicals from a far distant land which would make it more cost effective to produce our bath and body line. Without any further thought we put our house on the market and sold all of our stuff. I took a trip to the desire destination, our future home to be, a country with fertile land, plenty of casinos and vanity one of its biggest attributes. A great place to establish my beauty base business but something didn't seemed right! You see my husband is disable, likes to gamble, and doesn't speak the native language but still I continued with our plans. House on the market, contract in place, closing date on the books. Then something happened and everything went south. Divine intervention, maybe? The contract fell through; I decided to take the house off the market with the holiday season around the corner and all. We are now on a status-quo. No furniture, no money, great costly business opportunities present themselves every day. Is almost like that laundry clichéd “No ticket, no laundry” No money, no opportunities. What am I to do? I did what I knew best I started to watch more Netflix. Then I saw an opportunity. I said to my husband. Now we can remodel our home. Yay? Decorate it how we really want. He didn’t refrain from stating that he liked it the way it was but as a good sport he bought into my idea. I started to pull carpets and come up with decorating tips. Looking to start a home garden grow our own produces. Two unfished D.I.Y projects in and no relief in sight, as I started sinking deeper into my depression the better version of me had a brilliant idea. To share my struggles with business, beauty, eating habits, and self-care, with the masses and here we are today. I’m spilling the beans somehow feeling better than I did yesterday without having watched Netflix today. I think this is the making for a better day. That being said, I will continue to share my journey spill all of me as I serve the healthier version of me. Depression is real but sometimes is there for us to look within and release that untapped version of ourselves that is ready to live even though we are not. I feel like I’m going through a very painful cleansing process, but I’m hopeful that at the end it will be well worth it. If you are looking to make that lifestyle change to serve the healthier you tag along and we can all hop on this journey together to a better us!