I don`t want to be free anymore
or how I ended up in an empty flat, in an empty city, being ignored by my friends

I have always highly valued personal freedom. I put this value above all the others. The philosophy that everyone is a separate beautiful universe which does not owe anything to the others ruled my life. I met people and we interacted as long as we wanted, and afterwards let each other go to have new enjoyable experiences because life is too short to stick to one particular person.
I travelled lots. For more than a month, I could not think about anything apart from travels. Traveling gave me freedom. Travelling on my own made me brave. Leaving my house late at the night going somewhere I have never been; doing things I`ve never done before; meeting new people, having beautiful stories together with them; opening our beautiful hearts to each other and after flying away, not leaving any promises behind. That`s a big benefit of freedom — no need to have any expectations and responsibilities.
We shared precious moments together. What could be better than a love story for a weekend? Spending a romantic evening walking in the moonlight among the channels of Amsterdam, or going for a picnic in The Hague, or having a bicycle tour around Zurich, or going together to a party in Berlin, or riding a car around the city center of Budapest by night. Lovely weekends! But no more romance on Monday because by Monday the story finishes — a couple of messages and the number is deleted from the list by both participants of the story.
It should not hurt because it is so unreal, but does it hurt? Yes. Then, maybe, it is a good opportunity to take on more work, to run another 5–10 km, book another trip or go to a tiny bar in the city center and in a cheerful atmosphere cure the heart, forget the hopes and get ready to move on.
Having enough finance, youth, ambitions, charm gives power. Being free — gives opportunities. Opportunities to enjoy it all. Opportunities to fly to any country, to buy any clothes and gadgets, to go to any restaurant, to sleep in any bed…
It all works perfectly up until the time when you understand that you are fed up. Fed up with freedom of choice, fed up with the opportunities you have, with the compliments you get. You can have fun with everyone, everywhere, but you do not need that anymore. I had lots of likes and views on social media, lots of people who would love to go out with me, but only two or three of them texted me when I got hit by the car on one of my trips. I have no one to text when I feel depressed or am in trouble because “no one owes me anything”.
We have freedom to live a pleasurable life, being free to choose which experiences to experience. No one wants to bother themselves with problems. My plant in the kitchen died because I never loved it, just gave it water.
Water is that what we offer each other: easy pleasures, valuable moments, precious experiences — it has different names. We don`t care about what comes after. We try to feed our souls with new vivid emotions, instead of giving love to them. We go to louder parties, getting stronger cocktails, taking on more responsibility at work, starting more projects, having more dates, but it does not fill the place in our hearts, which aims to be filled with love.
It is easy to let go and not to stick to a person until you meet someone who deeply touches you. It doesn`t matter how long you spend together because the energy you share is the only thing that matters. You could try the usual ways of dealing with this feeling to be free again, free of responsibilities and expectations, but it would not work.
Deep inside, we all want to be loved, we want to be cared about. Want someone who would call us at night and ask how your day was, someone who would offer their silent support when we knocked down by life, someone who would come to you in the middle of the night from another city just to spend a couple of hours with you, someone who would write you long messages because they care about you. At the same time, you are ready to do all the aforementioned for the person you want to be with.
None of these could be given to you in freedom. Freedom is a beautiful way of self-discovery, but, in one moment, you come to your own understanding. Having redefined yourself, you finally feel that you no longer want to keep safe to be independent and free. At some point, you understand that you are tired of waking up in an empty flat, having no one to share a home-made dinner with, no one to say “I love you” before going to bed. We want to share the warmth, support with the people we choose with our minds and hearts. And we want to get the same from those whose presence we value more than all those beautiful stories which we had when we enjoyed freedom.
In this moment, the only thing you can do is to hope that this person is also brave enough to confess to themselves that they also don`t want to have freedom anymore and choose you from all the others — that is what truly matters.
