Fuck your Corporate startup!


Since a couple of years now, so called corporate startups spring up like mushrooms in the German corporate landscape. At least every listed company has fucking innovation hubs, accelerators, incubators, Startup Labs and what not.

When the buzzword „digitalization“ and „innovation culture“ started to appear in every fucking newspaper, some marketing guys got the impression that they needed to become the Napoleons of innovation at their hierarchical, bureaucratic companies. They dreamt of an army of startups, an ocean of possibilities and being on the cover of the Forbes or The Entrepreneur magazine.

Some of them got lucky and the CEO allowed them to toy around and build an innovation whatever cell. Full of enthusiasm and full of shit, the newly announced innovation managers, also known as Intrapreneurs went on a journey through the startup scene — for the first time in their life! And what they did realize is: the startups that are successful and growing fast don’t want to be tied to them, and those that do want to work with them (desperately) are full of douchebags.

Well, somehow they manage to find some in between. Of course the startups are working with a team that has been dedicated fucking 5% of their time to work on the super cool innovation program. Selection criteria: every employee who heard the word startup at least once in their life and watched at least one episode of Die Höhle des Löwen, which is the cheap remake of Shark Tank!

They sit together in a corporate „coworking space“ that used to be the freaking copy room before where even Harry Potter would have winced. Of course this isn’t important: after all, these guys are designing the future of the entire company here! But no need to pay them well: as long as they have fucking Soy-matcha-mocha-lattes and goji-chia-wheatgrass-smoothies, all is cool!

After having read the lean startup and other fucking start-up books, the innovation managers start redesigning the entire office culture beyond the innovation shoebox. Everything has to be MVP-tested and super lean! The thing is: you are not LEAN, you are a fat, giant corporate bureaucracy MONSTER! The colleagues who hear startup, lean, pitch, bootstrap, disrupt or gamification for the first time roll their eyes and think; „just another crazy phase of my boss“.

Next step on the corporate startup agenda are fucking startup safaris. The disbelievers shall see the innovation wonder with their own eyes. For an entire day the employees crawl from one „hockey-stick-growth“ startup to the next „just-raised-our-B-round“ startup. In between there are the fifestyle startups (we’re poor and have almost zero revenues, but we’re fucking sexy) and the social startups (like vegan condom startup Einhorn — make love and save the rain forest — yaaay!). After countless foosball battles, nerf gun battles and kale chips, the employees want the same shit at their own office — except the kale chips! Successful day indeed!

After having installed a beer fountain, a yoga room, a napping room, a foosball table and hired a „feel-good-manager“ to organize an office dog and bring fat-free soya lattes every morning, the world is good! In every second corner there is a motivation poster saying: „no alarm clock needed, my passion wakes me up“ or „we have a new strategic plan, it’s called doing things“. Every week there is a fuck-up hour and an innovation hour, because all of a sudden failing is so important for success. Oh, but if you fail BIG TIMES, you still get fired! You’re not a fucking entrepreneur after all!

Then there are the Pizza Nights but not because employees want to brainstorm after an entire work day, fuck NO! They just need a fucking good, fat, cheesy Pizza after all the chia, matcha bullshit!




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