Private note, here:
Heath Houston
2

Here I go again my head is in a bad place again….my brain seems warped and the thoughts of nothing good at all….run through my head like a dejavoo.. I’ve been here before.. some say it’s a sickness a disease.. I say it’s a curse a generational curse… this evil is a selfish consuming cancer of the mind that kills life all around it…. but how when I have this overbearing load of love for you guys that I don’t know how to dispense…. where’s the cure God ?! I’m not blaming you I’m asking cause I don’t get this….I remember walking down 5th ave I was around 13 or so wandering in my own head as I have done so many times before asking you why would you give me a life like this…. growing up with no father in a widowed mothers life of struggle as I watched men beat her and use her a poverty stricken life,just wanting to hear his voice…the voice of my Dad..for him to hug me tell me he loves me..play ball with me be proud of me..yet you didn’t answer me…and as a middle aged man I still struggle with this pain and confusion and now I’m a father of 4 plus a few that came with this new chapter…and feel I’m the worst at it when all I want to do is love them and be with them..and for them to love me back and I’m failing miserably and I don’t know what to do anymore… so is this a curse I ask ?? Why do they have to suffer when they have a living being who loves them with all he has but doesn’t know how to communicate ??and this is the personality of one of the guys in my head who dominates the others.. Give them what you didn’t give me !! Break this chain.. this horrible curse of life deemed to hurt so much , you created us to love and live and be fruitful and blessed why are we part of our ancestors mess… we are coming to you asking to forgive them so we can live in your grace and mercy.. why can’t you take this pain away??? Only you can !! I’m smart enough to know your real m…and that all this beauty and greatness and functionality of this amazing world ticking so precisely didn’t just happen!! So why won’t you fix this broken man!!!This walking disaster..this dysfunctional psychopath…depressed mess.. depressed because of my situation and failing at trying to fix it all the time or actually doing nothing at all about it because it has me stuck in a frozen place dark so dark I can’t get out I can’t breathe I don’t want to breath but I don’t want to leave them this way the way that you left me…all the innocent bloodline of his? Why when you gave me such a brilliant mind and eye for what most cannot see , can’t you fix this?? Or won’t you fix this?? I can’t and don’t want to pretend anymore, I’m tired of this evil, and I want it to stop ! I want it to change ! We deserve better than this! We need not suffer the sins of our fathers anymore, and my sons and daughters are innocent leave them free from these burdens let the breathe again just let them be……..

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