Apples Are Bad For You, Unless You Wish To Die

My two year old is a very bright child. Not only because she reflects the sun. She shines from within. When I offered her an apple, she refused on the grounds of logic. Perplexed and barely woken up, I curiously nibbled at her.

– You know, Rachel, apples are very healthy. An apple a day, keeps a doctor away.

– I heard that in the daycare. The teacher was saying it.

– But you still won’t eat them?

– They are bad!

– They keep the doctors away.

I winked at her.

– Exactly. One apple keeps one doctor away. Two apples keep two doctors away. Three app…

– I get it. What’s your point?

I yawned at her.

– The more apples you eat, the more doctors won’t be able to get to you. What if — children and philosophers love 'what ifs' — you get sick from so many apples, or find out you are allergic to them and you’ve eaten so many already — breathe my little one, breathe — that the doctors can’t get close enough to you, or help you at all, because it’s too late. It’s called an overdose, daddy — she proclaimed triumphantly, supporting herself and leaning towards me with a toothless smile and laughing eyes — it’s what happened to Frankie’s parents in their basement.

– Did they overdose on apples?

– No, cough medicine.

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