My Experience Trying out Mirtazapine

Mari Sandahl
Aug 31, 2018 · 5 min read

Engage your average human being and most likely, they have a story of their struggle with mental health. Increasingly, through more awareness and more acceptance, we have all been freed up to explore and acknowledge our mental health challenges and realities.

For as far as we’ve come, it often feels like we’ve just gotten started, nowhere more so then when you venture into the world of prescribed treatment. True, we are no longer in the days of Prozac Nation, where everyone was being prescribed the same drugs and we had one-size-fits-all plans to tackle depression and anxiety. But even 25 years on from that time, it’s hard not to feel like a guinea pig when you talk to your psychiatrist.

A little about my own medication history — I’m pretty sure I’ve tried it all. If it’s an SSRI, I’ve been there. I’ve had anxiety for as long as I can remember and depression since my 20’s. I first had a doctor prescribe medication when I was 16, and I’ve been on something ever since. I’ve tried Paxil, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Effexor, Lexapro, and Zoloft. I can tell you all about that fuzzy head feeling, and brain zaps, increased fatigue and decreased libido. I’ve struggled through them all.

At my most recent psychiatrist visit, the new doctor prescribed Mirtazapine. I’d never heard of it before, but she described it as “California Rocket Fuel”, a cure for my constant state of tiredness and a happy sidekick to my Effexor XR. Honestly, all she had to say was the rocket fuel line twice and I was sold. I’ve had issues with oversleeping my entire life, to the point that I even participated in a sleep study in high school to see if we could pinpoint a problem (spoiler alert: no.) So if she felt like she had a genuine solution, I was all ears! Yes, there were a concerning list of side effects. But she promised they would all disappear in 10–14 days, as my body adjusted to the medicine. Plus, a girl in one of my wellness groups online swore it made her anxiety disappear! As a life-long buyer of all forms of snake oil, I was ready to sign up. So here’s my experience with Mirtazapine thus far:

Day 1: What the Actual Fuck

Holy shit I’m tired. Like groggy beyond belief and I can’t actually process that I need to be awake. The doctor said I might feel like I’m hungover — this is a different thing entirely. I slept eight hours last night and I feel like I did and didn’t at the same time. I feel like I’ve never slept in my life and also like I’m emerging from a Rip Van Winkle-esque slumber. I’m supposed to drive with my boyfriend up to meet my family and then later in the day head to work. I slept through the entire drive, both ways, and work was a struggle. I felt like there were actual weights tied to my eyelids and I definitely don’t think I should have been operating a moving vehicle when I drove home from work.

Day 2: This Again

Today feels just like yesterday. How am I supposed to make it 14 days of this? Like, I actually have to go to work and function like a normal human being. I have to lead a team of energetic young people! At one point during the day, I felt so out of it that while I was scrolling through a website, I got confused, then felt sick, then had to close my eyes for ten seconds to regain my composure. My eyes felt glued together post-ten seconds.

I drank two cups of coffee when I can only handle one normally, and then went home for the day and fell asleep until the next morning. Short day.

Day 3: Not Sure if I’m Still Alive

What is this hellscape of my own making? I’m floating somewhere between real life and another plane of being and I’m not actually confident I could tell you my middle name right now.

Today, caffeine has a fun effect — I drink three cups and I’m shaking worse than ever, but I’m still having a hard time existing in any position other than full recline.

My brain feels like it’s stuffed to the brim with cotton balls. No thoughts are able to pass from one ear to the other. My husband says I’m asking, “What?” a lot. Seriously considering chucking this whole process, but then remembering that would take more energy than I currently possess.

Day 4–7: More of the same

Everything is mixing together and blending into a miasma of sleepiness and irritability. I snap at my partner all the time. One new thing I’ve noticed — it seems like I’m in a constant haze that any noise snaps me out of in a super jarring way. For instance, I find myself reading an article online in my room and when my partner opens the door, the noise is so assaulting to my ears that it actually hurts down to my teeth.

I think often about quitting this process.

Day 8: Slight ray of sunshine

I finally email my psychiatrist to ask her if we can change this at all. She suggests that I start taking the medication earlier in the evening, since it’s not making me fall asleep immediately, and I find I have the most energy at night, so maybe we need to shift that window.

I follow this advice, and wake up the next morning feeling a little bit better. Is this how I felt before? I almost can’t remember what my baseline was. Regardless, it’s an improvement, but I don’t think an overall one.

Day 9–11: Back to normal

I feel more or less average again? However, average was why I wanted to try this medication in the first place. I don’t have any extra energy, it’s still pretty darn difficult to wake up in the morning, and I do still feel the presence of my anxiety and depression. All told, this was a hell of a lot to go through to feel more or less “meh” at the end of things.

Final Grade: D+. I feel slightly better, but maybe it’s just because I’ve climbed out of this self-inflicted hole. Not worth your time.

Mari Sandahl

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