Here’s My First Music Post: I’M SINGING A SONG FOR YOU & FOR ME!
This is how parenting my kids has taught me to build a Secure Attachment with MYSELF, and you can, too.
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I’m singing these lyrics, not to a lover (as in the original song), but to the Inner Child in ME & in YOU:
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Here’s How Co-Regulation with my Kids helped me to learn better Self-Regulation with Myself
Co-Regulation: Lessons learned from Parenting My Kids
One of the most important things I’ve learned since becoming a mom to my two young kids, is how important it is to build a Secure Attachment with them.
This means that I am physically present with them, and I am attuned to their feelings, when they’re positive and, especially when, they’re negative.
It’s so important because children do not have the ability to self-regulate as well as adults.
Adults who are emotionally mature can act as a mirror, not necessarily to agree with or share the emotion itself, but to simply help the child to witness, acknowledge, and process the emotion until the emotion can pass.
As I like to tell my kids, “ALL of your emotions are welcome, even your anger, your fear, or any of the other so-called ‘negative’ feelings. Emotions will come and they go, but they’re all helpful. All emotions can communicate what matters to us.”
• Anger might show us when a boundary between “me” and “them” has been violated. It can signal a lack of respect. It can demonstrate a need for us to speak up and protect ourselves.
• Fear might show us when we’re unsure of ourselves. Perhaps we lack experience in something new that we’re about to try. But that’s okay. We’ve all got to start somewhere.
• Excitement might give us the burst of energy that we need when we’re getting ready to do something spectacular. It might lead us to find our calling in life, to find precisely what we love and are meant to do.
All our emotions are there for us, and we mustn’t push them away.
Instead, we can let them flow through us like waves. Or pass in the sky of our awareness, like the ephemeral clouds that they are.
But, before we can do this as parents, let’s remember to read the Warning Label:
It can be SO HARD to do this in real life.
As any parent will tell you, when you’re dealing with a kid who’s inconsolable, who’s crying at the top of his lungs, or flailing her legs and pounding her fists in the temper tantrum to end all tantrums, it is freakin’ hard sometimes to stay the Zen Mom/Dad we all aspire to be.
Sometimes, it’s incredibly difficult to just bear witness.
To stay in the room. To watch. Without telling them “no.” Without announcing, “Please, stop!”
Another part of us wants to end their suffering. To solve the problem. To tell them, it’s really “no big deal” that their brother wants to take a turn with their new favorite toy. They’ve been playing with it non-stop for the past two days, anyway. Do we really have to cry and whine about it for, what’s it going on now, 25 minutes? With shrieks so shrill that you swear the inner recesses of your brain are shaking to near-earthquake level?
But, stating the so-called “Facts” at your little Mini Me will do nothing to help him or her “get over it.”
And, lest you don’t have any kids of your own yet, trust me: Never, ever tell your kid to “get over it.” That’s the absolute LAST THING you want to do. PSA: It’s also the LAST THING you want to do to your spouse or significant other (if you didn’t know that already).
It’s so important to remember: All of their seemingly out-sized feelings ARE legitimate.
They are precisely the feelings that they must feel. Because they feel them. That’s the reality. Accept it. They’re human. Just like me. Just like you.
So, be there. Empathize. Be present, alongside your babies, no matter what age they are, no matter how old they become, or how much they grow alongside you.
By staying present, we SHOW with our actions that we’re capable of handling whatever horrible upset they are experiencing. And we’ll stay with them, to weather the storm with them, no matter what may come.
By just BEING present, we demonstrate that we’re there for them. We care. We love them.
And the more we do it well, the more we come to enjoy it when:
• Our children come to us, to express all their emotions.
• They trust us, to be available and willing to know and understand who they are.
• They believe we’ll never try to force them into feeling something different, into being someone they’re not.
• They stop fearing their emotions, the more they can see that all of them — even the scariest ones — will eventually pass.
• They trust that they’re loved, no matter what!
This is the transformation I’ve been so blessed to witness in our family.
SELF-REGULATION: Parenting My Kids showed me what’s possible, and made me realize, I need to give the gift of a Secure Attachment to MYSELF.
The more I was there for my kids emotionally, the more I realized, I didn’t have a Secure Attachment to me.
I was raised in a loving family but, in many ways, attempts were made to motivate me with the stick. Not the carrot.
And, knowing myself better now, the carrot’s what I need.
The stick can get you only so far.
Achievement can do only so much.
After a while, the carrot of closeness to oneself is the medicine that we ALL need.
Because, let’s face it: All adults struggle to self-regulate sometimes.
It’s certainly been true for me.
I doubt there’s a single adult on this planet who has never struggled with the Inner Critic that resides, like a wraith, whispering insidiously in our head.
And, when we don’t take the time to build a Secure Attachment with ourselves, and the negative emotions compound, we start to believe whatever the Inner Critic is saying.
• That Imposter Syndrome? It keeps you from going for that promotion.
• That Perfectionist? It makes you rewrite that memo for the zillionth time.
• That “I’m Not Creative” Limiting Belief? It makes you hide your creative potential, in stacks and stacks of blank pages. Pages you’ve left untouched because the fear’s become so massive, you’re too afraid to even try.
Build a Secure Attachment with YOURSELF and you can do anything, no matter what emotions you feel.
Even if you’re feeling a negative emotion like fear, it doesn’t stop you. When you have a Secure Attachment with yourself, you know you’ve got your own back.
You can allow yourself to feel the feeling. Without commanding yourself to just “get over it.”
You can stay with it, label it for what it is, and examine it with curiosity.
You have space to ask, “What’s this emotion trying to tell me?”
You can experiment.
You’re willing to admit, “I can’t go all-out, I’m not ready yet. But,” you can ask yourself, “What can I do? What action can feel comfortable to take, right now?”
THAT’s the gift of Secure Attachment that my children have given to me.
Yes, I might have given birth to them; but, they’ve helped me to give birth to the potential in me.
My kids have taught me that I can do what I’ve done for them, for MYSELF.
I can help myself to self-regulate in the same ways that have been effective for my children.
I can honor my own emotional response.
No matter what’s happening.
“What I’m feeling matters,” I can tell myself.
And, so many times before having kids, I couldn’t tell myself that.
Because I was too focused on doing everything “the right way.” I let myself feel wrong for feeling whatever I felt.
If a feeling didn’t serve a purpose, or allow me to make progress toward a goal, I wanted to be rid of it. To shove it out of the way, and will my way to success.
Or I just stayed there, motionless, too paralyzed to do anything.
But, now that I’m a mom, I understand the importance of NOT doing that.
I know, deep in my bones, how crucial it is to honor and respect every emotion I ever feel.
And, now that I’ve been doing it for years, I am FREE.
Not because bad emotions never come. (No one can ever experience that.)
I’m FREE because I can TRUST myself to handle my emotions now.
My Inner Child TRUSTS me.
She knows I’m not going to try to change her emotional response if she’s upset.
I’m not going to negate her.
I’m going to acknowledge that she’s upset and understand why she’s upset, even if the adult in me doesn’t agree.
I validate her.
And, in doing so, I’ve found strength in MYSELF.
That’s the Secret Ingredient: The more TRUST you have in YOURSELF, the MORE strength you have to actually DO.
Ironically, the MORE you can acknowledge your fears — of weakness, of imposter syndrome, of imperfection, and on an on — the MORE you can actually TRUST that you can handle them.
Because that’s all they are: Fears. Thoughts. Perceptions that can change, over time.
And, if you HONOR your fears, if you don’t over-step, and you give yourself just a tiny push to take only the “next right step” that you need to take, you can actually accomplish the Goal you set out to achieve.
You can be your own parent. You can give your mind, body, and spirit the love that you need.
I’m practicing this Every. Single. Day. And today, I’m publishing my first audio recording!
Fear is ever-so-slowly becoming “just fear.”
It’s not that I want to feel the fear flickering, like an arrhythmia in my heart.
But, I’m also not trying to chase my fear away, like it’s some Capital F monster haunting my dreams.
Instead, I’m making room to honor its presence:
• I’m NOT telling myself I have to perform a whole entire song with music to accompany it.
• I’m NOT telling myself that I have to figure out how to do complex things, like music licensing.
• I’m NOT beating myself with a stick, to get myself to comply with the Gold Standard of Audio-Video Recording.
Instead, I’m easing myself into it.
I’m feeding myself a carrot in mini-bites, because I recognize that is what I need.
So, I invite you to listen to me here.
I’m singing these lyrics, not to a lover (as in the original song), but to MYSELF & to YOU, to the Inner Child in both of us:
Love will lead you back.
Someday, I just know that
Love will lead you back to my arms
Where you belong
I’m sure, sure as stars are shining
One day you will find me again
It won’t be long
One of these days
My love will lead you back
With these words, I’m regulating my own emotions, the way the Mother In Me knows how.
I invite you to listen to the Child that’s inside of you, too.
Because that’s the meaning of love: to listen.
The love in me honors and respects the love in each of you,
Marisa
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If you’d like to hear me perform more music, and you’d love to learn more about the science of self-improvement, sign up for my free Substack Newsletter.
Together, we’ll explore all the ways that we can 10x our life — mind, body, & soul.
We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple, active practices that will:
• Enliven our emotions & creativity;
• Enhance our efficiency & productivity;
• Foster a greater depth of Self;
• Build the Secure Attachment that we need to develop a Growth Mindset; and,
• Reprogram our minds to pivot from the Sympathetic Nervous System to the Parasympathetic Nervous System when we need it to, more often than not.
I’ve planned so many exciting & fun things to share with you (in addition to music!) and I can’t wait for you to get all the FREE goodies I’ve prepared for you.
We CAN do this, TOGETHER!
Marisa
