TAKE BACK YOUR POWER: How To Build a Secure Attachment To YOURSELF with The VICTUS Method

You’re the most powerful when you TRUST yourself!

When you’re hanging by a thread, which would you rather be tied to?

In yesterday’s post, I described how I accidentally overheard Mr. Pit Bull Partner laughing with the other Partners at a junior Associates’ expense, and it lifted the veil.

It forced me to learn an important lesson:

When you trade your time for money, it’s wise to know who you’re trading with, and what for.

I couldn’t ignore it.

Sometimes, when the truth smacks you in the face, there’s no going back.

Before the sound of the Partners’ laughing had even died down, I’d already decided:

I wasn’t willing to give away my time and energy so freely anymore.

I decided then and there that I would make all my creative pursuits the priority in my life, from that moment forward.

I stopped suppressing who I was and, from that day since, I’ve been doing all the things I used to deny myself:

• Creative Writing — I’ve written 3 books and the 4th is on its way.

• Music — singing & piano.

• Artwork — traditional & digital.

• Dance — whenever the mood strikes, which is often.

How this ONE Decision — To Prioritize My Creativity — Drastically Changed My Life & Made Me a Million Times Happier

Why did my happiness increase?

You might think it’s simply because I love to write creatively (Creative Writing), I love to sing and play piano (Music), I love to do traditional & digital painting (Artwork), and I love to shake my booty (Dance).

They’re all activities that make me happy.

I did more things that make me happy.

Therefore, I am happier.

If that’s what you thought, you’re right, BUT…

You’re Missing The Big Picture.

Remember this post, where I described the 4 Attachment Styles and explained that if you’ve got a Non-Secure Attachment Style from your childhood, you CAN still change your Attachment Style in these two ways?

1. By improving our ability to regulate our own emotions by ourselves (self-regulation), and

2. By improving our ability to regulate our emotions in concert with others (co-regulation).

Well, what I happened to overhear Mr. Pit Bull say is a perfect example of these two paths a person can take.

First, let’s break it down.

The problem = Working for Assholes feels shitty.

Second, let’s examine how I could’ve approached the solution:

On the one-hand, I could have looked outward, to other people to help me “fix” the problem.

But, was that even possible, given the circumstances?

Context

= Where was I, when the truth slapped me in the face? @ my law firm job.

Control

= Could I change the Partner who’d made the mean-spirited remark? No. Mr. Pitbull’s on his 4th wife. If these women can’t change him, no one can.

Power/Influence

= Could I change all the Partners’ minds, and get them to see the error of their ways?

No. As I said in yesterday’s post, Mr. Pit Bull Partner was the most tenured and experienced among them, and all of the Partners looked to him as their Messiah, I mean, Leader. So, he obviously set the tone for the entire firm, and he’d continue to do so.

Analyzed this way, we can see I was stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I couldn’t just rage-quit, shake my fist in the air, and make some inspirational speech about how “I’m standing up for all of the junior Attorneys! Don’t laugh at our expense! Don’t revel in our debt! We work for you, but we’re not inconsequential cogs in your stupid wheel!”

Doing that wouldn’t serve my needs (a job, paycheck, and meaningful work that aligns with my purpose, experience, and skillsets).

It’d likely result in some sort of terrible retaliation from Mr. Pit Bull. (I wouldn’t put it past him if he’s got a playbook for blacklisting anyone who wrongs him because, trust me, I’ve seen him do very petty things simply because someone offends his precious ego).

And, let’s face it, there’s a terrible imbalance of power involved here.

So what’s the point, Marisa?

Sometimes, trying to co-regulate with other people is NOT what you should do.

No matter how much you WANT to make a situation better, sometimes you simply CANNOT turn to other people to do it.

And, yet…

How often do we try to convince or cajole or influence or — worse — beg other people to make the situation better?

You see it all the time:

• It’s the guy who’s clearly “Not That Into You,” but your best friend keeps chasing after him.

• It’s the girl who’s being ostracized by the top Mean Girl in college, so she tries even harder to wear what they’re all wearing to “fit in.”

• It’s the guy who’s trying to be “one of the boys” so he pretends he’s into sports and not poetry, even though poetry’s what he’s secretly scribbling in his football playbook.

And, yes, it’s the little girl or little boy inside all of us, who:

• tries even harder to placate their parent(s), just so that they can feel “loved”;

• or, picks a partner who just-so-happens to be like their parent(s), so that they can “fix” the parental relationship, this time around, as adults with their chosen boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse.

NO!

Sometimes, the solution is to NOT do that.

Sometimes, the solution is to just STOP TRYING to win other people over.

Because, you know what?

They don’t deserve you anyway!

They don’t see your value!

They don’t truly love you or even care about you!

In my situation with the Partner, the bottom line was, I couldn’t fix the bad feelings — the Ick — I felt compelled to escape by turning to any other person in that firm.

And, yet, I found THE PATH to 10x my happiness — not weeks or months or even days later.

I 10x’d my happiness IMMEDIATELY.

How?

The VICTUS Method Focuses on WINNING YOURSELF OVER: “THINK-DO-BE” is the practice I used to Self-Regulate My Emotions & Change My Entire Life!

(1) THINK

By making the singular decision to CHANGE MY MIND, I CHANGED MY EMOTIONS.

I simply thought, “No, they’re not going to force me to give them all of my time and energy anymore.”

And, by doing that, I immediately TOOK CONTROL.

I increased the sense of AGENCY I felt over my own life.

That immediately erased the negative feelings of anxiety, powerlessness, and hopelessness I had felt.

And replaced it with positive feelings of power, control, security, hope, and TRUST that I could be there for myself.

This is key to regulating your own emotions BY YOURSELF.

But, that’s just part of the self-regulation process.

(2) DO

You must also take it 1 step further: by TAKING ACTION.

I took the time to examine my Calendar and, even though I immediately thought “I’m too busy,” and “I just don’t have time,” I ignored those thoughts and CREATED the time anyway:

I told myself I’d wake up at 5am to do my Creative Writing.

I refused to give myself any excuses.

(3) BE

Then, I took the final step: by taking MORE ACTION.

I started doing it. Waking up at 5am even though I initially dreaded it.

Hated it.

Did it anyway.

And every single time I did it, it counted as a rep.

Not just a rep for writing.

Not just a rep for my now-beloved-Morning-Routine.

But a rep for the 1 MESSAGE that matters the absolute MOST:

“YOU matter.”

— The VICTUS Method

Every single time you do any task that you want, that you choose, because YOU gave yourself permission to do it, you entrain your brain to see your own self-worth.

You prioritize yourself. You show yourself, “YOU MATTER.”

And that’s no trivial thing.

It’s a self-perpetuating cycle.

The more you repeat this THINK-DO-BE practice;

the more easily you can self-regulate your emotions;

the faster you can achieve a Secure Attachment to YOURSELF!

My Dear Friends,

If you feel lost and alone, you’re not.

Clap if you know we’re in this together.

Follow if you see the light I’m shining for you.

If you’re ready to change your life, join me.

The path’s mapped out in my Newsletter here. Sign up to get my posts as soon as they’re posted.

Why?

Because you don’t want the Algorithm to get in the way of all the goodies I’ve prepared for you.

Each week, we’ll explore not only where we’ve been, but where we’re going, and most importantly why.

We’ll learn the scientific, physiological, and psychological reasons why we are the way that we are, and combine that understanding with simple practices that will enliven our emotions and foster a greater depth of Self.

Vita est pro victus. Life is for LIVING, and the VICTUS Method is more than a mindset. It’s a practice we’ll actively DO to 10x our Goals and achieve them! And it’s fully customizable, so you can tailor it to bring imagination, synergy, and freedom to everything you do.

Let’s climb, to the Mountaintop of our most deeply-desired dreams.

— Marisa Victus

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Marisa VICTUS: Synergy of Science & Self

Attorney. Author. Passionate for science of self-improvement. VICTUS: the practice to silence the inner critic, to be our true, authentic self. marisavictus.com