And the New Bachelor Is…

Marissa Driscoll
Sep 4, 2018 · 8 min read
One last moment of suspense for those without cable…

Sonofabitch.

I’m sorry — there is no time for greetings today, Bachelor Nation. Our long national nightmare is just beginning because…

Colton was just announced as The Bachelor.

Let’s get a few things straight — I fully know there are people out there who are fans of Colton. I’m sure he’s a fine person, blah blah blah. First of all, very few of us know him IRL, so I’m basing the majority of my opinions on an edited version of this dude from TV. I’m sure if someone edited down what I said/did on a daily basis and broadcast it to the world, I’d be closer to Julia Stiles in 10 Things I Hate About You before she met Heath Ledger.

It me.

So before you grab your torches and pitchforks to march on my apartment that not even the savviest of Postmates can find on the first try, take a seat.

I am attempting to be as diplomatic as possible. Lest we forget my ignorant optimism upon Arie’s announcement last season that quickly evaporated upon hearing his voice and seeing his face and being tangentially in his presence. Colton is no Arie —that’s crystal clear. Lastly, I’m working through a lot of emotions while writing this, so it’s very likely that I’ll type myself into a new thought process. Guess we’ll find out together.

With that said, welcome to the Festivus portion of this column (aka the Airing of the Grievances). These are the reasons I don’t think he’ll be a good Bachelor:

  1. He can’t directly tell someone what he thinks to save his life.
  2. He seems incredibly indecisive.
  3. He comes off as a fame chaser.
  4. The Tia Factor.
  5. His overall fit for the format.

Let’s get down to business (feel free to finish singing the Mulan song that inevitably just popped into your head. I’ll wait).

Indirect Communication: When he broke up with Tia last night, all he did was tell her she was great but say that she was “not the one for him.” There are always reasons for a breakup, and they should be shared. One time I stopped seeing a guy because I asked him where his favorite vacation was, and he said, “Florida. I’ve never really wanted to leave the country.” Which part are we talking — the Keys? Miami? F*cking Tampa? I really value travel, and having a curiosity about other cultures (regardless of your means to go to them or not) is important to me. And trust me when I say that was just one in a long line of “the f*ck?” moments from that date. Another guy faked an Australian accent then attempted to phase it out. Dating is weird.

Indecisiveness: He was waffling between being with Tia then not being with her for a very long time (by Paradise standards). And something about the way he decided to ask her to be his girlfriend to dump her the following week said to me that he wasn’t fully ready for when she wanted, and might have done it out of obligation. If he’s not fully feeling it at the end of the season and then proposes, I’ll lose my mind. Just let the person go — you’re The Bachelor. Producers be damned; do what you want to do.

The Fame Chaser: Colton originally came to the media landscape when he very publicly asked gymnast and Olympic champion Aly Raisman on a date. You can think it’s cute, I disagree. What a country we live in. Second, he dated Tia right before he left to film The Bachelorette with Becca. Regardless of the timeline, this feels like a red flag. Tia was, at one point, a front runner to become the next Bachelorette. It just left a funky taste in my mouth.

The Tia Factor: I sincerely hope, for Colton’s sake and the girls’, that Tia is not a part of this season — in presence or conversation. They beat that dead horse so badly, its great-grand-horses felt it. 85% of Becca’s season was all about Arie and it’s 86% more than we needed. Please just let us move on.

Fit for the Format: Now to his time on The Bachelorette and Bachelor in Paradise. Perhaps it’s that the formats weren’t right for him or that he was going through something truly challenging, but he nearly panicked at the thought of going to a Fantasy Suite with Becca (even though it’s common knowledge that not everyone bumps uglies in there) and I’m pretty sure there was a moment on Paradise this season when Tia had to ask Colton to kiss her with tongue.

Yes, Colton is a virgin — and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. He has made a choice and I whole-heartedly support anyone who decides to do so. But this show is heavily dependent on sexual chemistry between the lead and their contestants. Yes, Sean Lowe was a born-again virgin (I would call that a “dry spell”) and his season is the only true success story of a Bachelor and his final choice (Jason changed his mind so it doesn’t count, and Arie and Lauren aren’t married yet). It is possible. I’m just saying I wouldn’t buy a Hyundai Sonata without first giving it a whirl on the highway. Colton has been emotionally banged up these last few weeks, and I don’t know how well he’ll take the whole experience.

In conclusion, Internet Mafia and Keyboard Warriors, I’m not entirely confident in choosing Colton as The Bachelor.

Sorry?

With that said, as a fan of this show and most above-average rom-com’s, I’m remaining very cautiously optimistic. There are plenty of people in Bachelor Nation whose opinions I trust (Ashley Spivey and Patti Murin, for starters) who are all in on Colton being The Bachelor for the following reasons:

  1. There will be no sexual harassment accusations against him (please God let this assumption based on his lack of sexual history be true).
  2. He seems to be very good with kids.
  3. He is charitable.
  4. A lot of his cast likes him.
  5. Many people think he has a nice face.

It’s true that he seems like a good person, and that he has values anyone would be lucky to have in a partner. And when people meet him in person, he’s much better than he is on TV, as we’ve seen happen with other contestants.

So will I still watch his season? Obviously. Do I hope to be proven wrong? 100%. But until January when his season premieres, I’ll remain a skeptic. Arie burned me in the past and I’ve yet to get over that gross miscalculation.

Before we go, we need to have a quick rundown of our runners-up and what could have been— the Almost Were’s. For full effect, please press play.

Blake — you beautiful, tropical fish. I would have loved to see you as The Bachelor what with your face, bod, overall personality, backstory, the list goes on. In the words of that creepy scene from Love Actually that was meant to be adorable, “To me, you are perfect.” See you during the holiday season, Blake. I’ll be the girl outside your house with cue cards containing romantic platitudes and a container of mozzarella sticks for sustenance.

Jason — you were a go hard or go home kind of guy. And I respect the hustle in campaigning for the top spot. But you hustled too hard, and production didn’t want to give you what you rightfully deserved. I bet there’s some girl in this world who wants to help gel your hair in the morning, then vigorously wash her hands so you can properly nosh on a plate of buffalo wings while watching the Bills. And if you don’t find her, let me know — I’ll probably still be in front of Blake’s house, and by that time, I’ll be hungry. So bring the wings.

Wills — you majestic, creative soul. Your snark and reactions were and still are the GOAT. We didn’t deserve someone as wonderful as you, but it was so appreciated and needed. I won’t cry because it’s over; I’ll smile because it happened. ABC knew you were too savvy to be “produced,” which seems to be a compliment, but I digress. Either way, you might be gone, but you will never be forgotten.

Kevin — you were a dark horse pick coming out of this season of Paradise. Your heartbreak from Ashley and the Canadian Bachelorette experience laid the groundwork for a hunky and emotionally available firefighting Bachelor. A true unicorn. But then, you found Astrid. And frankly, regardless of what happens moving forward, I think that’s the best place for you to be. Don’t worry; I won’t bring the cue cards to your home. I’m unsure of Canada’s laws, and I’d rather not become an international criminal. I’m not meant to be on the lam.

Ben Higgins — don’t ever do this show again. We all already love you; please let us keep you in our hearts that way. Just find a beautiful girl in Denver who shares your values. That’s how it should be.

Chris — I just wanted to take this time to remind you that you never had a chance.

Peter — call me.

Alright, Bachelor Nation, that’s it for today. I’ll be back tomorrow for a recap of this week’s 5-hour long Bachelor in Paradise.

Writing this recap like

Until then.

XOXO,

Recap Girl

Marissa Driscoll

Written by

Chicago comedian and pop-culture lover, especially The Bachelor. Pro-corgi. Anti-horse. On Twitter @marissasayswhat. To quote Jeb Bush, "Please clap."

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