Confidence: How to Build the Most Impactful Life (and Sales) Skill

A longer version of this post was originally published on blog.appacademy.io

Quick note: Since originally publishing this article, I resigned from my Director of Sales role at App Academy and took a crazy leap by launching my own communications startup, Recapped.io. Parts have been rewritten to reflect my recent life changes and experiences.

Imagine going through your day truly free from anxiety and stress. What if you didn’t have to question and second-guess your choices? How great would it be if you could say and do whatever you wanted?

I can tell you — it can be pretty amazing.

By establishing true inner-confidence, you can step away from unnecessary mind traps, move forward with worry-free decisions, and most importantly, live your life to the fullest.

TRUE CONFIDENCE

King Tywin says it best.

Did you know that nearly 85% of the world suffers from low self-esteem?

Low self-esteem can creep in and damage nearly every aspect of your life. But just like any other skill in life, your confidence and self-worth can be developed and improved.

Being confident means distinguishing between the meaning of the word and its annoying relative: arrogance. If you’re not careful, you could become the latter.

Arrogance stems from insecurity, whereas confidence stems from true belief in oneself.

Insecurity pulls other people down because it’s afraid of competition (“what if I lose?”). Confidence pulls others up because it knows that competition will improve both parties (“it doesn’t matter if I lose, so long as I learn”).

Arrogance feels the need to prove that you’re the best. It’s loud. It’s making sure everyone knows. Confidence on the other hand, doesn’t have to do that because it’s comfortable with the results speaking for themselves.

True confidence comes from mastery in your craft, while being humble enough to know that true mastery is a lifelong pursuit.

Confidence comes down to how we view ourselves, realizing it’s the only thing that matters.

The next time you hear that self-doubting voice in your career, take a deep breath, and ignore it.

In ten years, are you going to care what (blank) thought of you when you did (blank) activity? No. That’s ridiculous. You can start using your limited time and energy more constructively.

If you think about it realistically, you’ll realize that most people are busy living their own lives. They’re worrying about their own insecurities to spend time judging yours.

Consider that seriously, let it sink in, and then your worries should subside.

CONFIDENCE AT WORK

Your gut feelings about your salary can be an indication of your level of confidence.

If you’re earning less than what the market, your hard work, and the value you provide to your business says you do, you should have the inner confidence to find a new company or ask for a raise. You need to know your worth. It’s that simple.

If you aren’t at your peak just yet (and who is?), really sit down and take some time to identify what you’re missing (new skills, new abilities, etc). If you aren’t sure what you’re missing, then this is a great place for a mentor, peers, or boss to help.

Now set some SMART goals.

The funny thing is that the more new skills you gain, the more confident you will become. It’s like an avalanche that builds on itself!

Regardless of your situation, you need to accept the reality that you don’t know everything, and you can always improve. And that’s perfectly okay. Learning new skills is a main part of building up your confidence.

Nobody will care more about your career than yourself. If you aren’t fighting for your best possible outcome, why should someone else?

CONFIDENCE IN SALES

It’s amazing how much of an overlap there is between sales and confidence.

And it’s important to understand that anyone, in any position, including those in the technology industry, can use sales skills to improve their career.

For sales professionals this can mean an exponential increase in your commission check! For techies, it can mean the ability to sell your boss on letting you work on a exciting new software, or an idea that could lead to a million-dollar product!

Lack of confidence on a sales call or a product meeting can come across as desperation. Nothing kills a deal like desperation.

If you’re desperate, the first thought to run through everyone’s mind will be “Why are they so desperate (to get my business/to get this product off the ground/to develop this program)? What’s wrong with it?”

You don’t want that.

On the flip side, you will come off confidently if you operate from an abundance mindset — knowing there are plenty more fish in the sea. You aren’t going to live or die with this deal or idea.

Belief in your product and your abilities will convey that countless potential customers that could benefit with your help. You’re not desperate at all. They’re simply missing out.

Another way to win more deals is by confidently conveying your tone in your conversations with the following tips:

1. Slooooow down. Speaking with calm exemplifies that you’re confident in what you’re saying. You don’t see Don Draper scrambling with his words, do you? He speaks slowly because he believes in himself, and his works.
2. Eliminate filler words. If you know what you’re talking about, you won’t say “uhh,” “umm,” “you know,” or any other version of a filler. Pretend it’s Twitter and you only have 140 characters. Every. Single. Word. Matters. Start listening to your sales calls and tallying every time a filler word is used — you’ll be surprised by the frequency.
3. Speak with authority and authenticity. This also means not to raise your voice higher than it is normally. Imagine you’re speaking with a close friend about a topic you are very familiar with (that Netflix show you just binged, your favorite video game, a programming language you’re an expert in, etc.)

Here’s how Donald Draper displays confidence:

In that clip of Mad Men, you can see that Don is confident in delivering his pitch. However, he quickly realizes that his customers aren’t interested in the final product, and it’s perfectly okay. He’s not desperate to gain their attention, or their validation. But what happens? He get’s the deal.

Remember: it’s not the end of the world if you lose a deal. There are plenty of fish in the sea!

CONFIDENCE IN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE

In my experience, the biggest life improvement that came from developing my confidence has been living my life with minimal anxiety and stress.

Remember, the next time you catch yourself thinking “what will they think of me?” — STOP YOURSELF! Take a deep breath. It simply doesn’t matter.

Next time you’re out and you see someone beautiful that catches your eye, go walk over and introduce yourself! What’s the worst that can happen? The conversation goes stale or they’re not interested? So what. At least you had the courage and took a chance.

You can also apply abundance mindset in your personal life (and I highly recommend you do). If you do get rejected, it doesn’t matter because THERE ARE PLENTY MORE FISH IN THE SEA! Literally, almost 8 billion said fish.

Personal growth only happens outside of your comfort zone. Embrace the unknown. Learn from it. Mistakes are valuable teachers. Become more confident in your abilities and your value as a person.

BECOMING MORE CONFIDENT

Probably why you’re here, right?

Because our confidence stems from our perceptions of ourselves, not the perceptions from others, we have to build up how we view ourselves.

Unfortunately, the easiest way to trick yourself into believing you’re amazing is by, well, actually being amazing. Easier said than done. But remember — mastery is a lifelong pursuit.

Confidence is just like any other skill — it takes hard work, discipline, and dedication. If you’re able to work at it every day, you can experience tremendous outcomes.

Here are ten ways you can start living a more confident life today:

1. Stop comparing yourself to others. The only viewpoint you should worry about is your own. You don’t know what issues other people are working through, or the struggles they’ve gone through.
2. Surround yourself with impressive people. There’s a common saying that you’re the average of the 5 people you hang out with most. Are you proud of your top 5? If you are the smartest person in the room, then you’re in the wrong room.
3. Meditate and practice mindfulness. At its very nature, mindfulness meditation is “non-judgemental awareness of experiences in the present moment”. Living in the present will help you worry less.
4. Set clear goals. You should be constantly aiming to improve in all aspects. I’ve been very lucky in my career in by part by setting clear goals. Accomplishing these goals helped instill more confidence and belief in myself. Every year I set a Personal, Professional, Spiritual, Mental, and Physical goal, and re-evaluate on a quarterly basis.
5. Keep a journal. If you’re constantly improving then you will be able to see the progress you’re making in the previous weeks, months, and years. Seeing actual growth and accomplishments will really improve your confidence.
6. Embrace failure. Mistakes happen, and you’re going to fail. It’s inevitable. The most important thing is that you learn from them, and will know how to overcome an issue the next time it comes up.
7. Have strong body language. Having body language that conveys confidence is actually proven to reduce cortisol (stress hormone your body releases), and release endorphins (happiness and confidence hormone). There is an amazing TED talk by Amy Cuddy that covers the many benefits of strong body language.
8. Stop expecting perfection. We’re all flawed creatures, and that’s perfectly OK (except maybe Elon Musk). Stop holding yourself to an unreasonable standard. You don’t know what issues other people are fighting through. Success comes from consistent, small improvements.
9. Create a list of affirmations. A large part of being confident is adjusting the internal conversations you have. Literally writing out a list of things you like about yourself will help with these internal conversation. Spend some time and come up with your own personal list of 5–10 favorite things about yourself (I never give up, I love my curiosity for knowledge, I have come a long way, etc.)
10. Be awesome. Constantly and mercilessly focus on creating the best version of yourself. Eventually you will become “awesome”. Taking the first step on the journey already gives you a head start.

Now what are you waiting for? Go out there and start working on your confidence!

Take a risk. The world is beautiful. There is so much adventure in the unknown. Book that plane trip. Take that leap. You never know how it could change your life. Hopefully it changes mine.

If you enjoyed this post, check out my personal blog (Sell Some More) or my newest adventure, Recapped.io

-Mark Fershteyn