*Mark, having had a brief tour around the gym, and being satisfied with the facilities, is now ushered to a cushioned lounge to talk over the contract*

Hi, I’m Muscles Charming McSmilington, pleased to meet you!

Hey I’m Mark, I really like this place — was keen on joining up.

Well, Mark — mind if I call you Mark?

Sure, it’s my name, aha.

Well Mark, Marky Mark, you have great taste. This gym has seen its share of professional athletes and people that participate and do well in muscle-related competitions. But surely you know what I’m talking about you buff man!

*A small arm pat is used to emphasise just how huge he is portraying me to be*

Ah, thanks, no I’m just here to stay in shape, maybe get stronger, not really interested in competing.

Well Mark, Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch what? you are in the perfect place to do just about anything. We have facilities and equipment from the floor to the roof, and in the case of the climbing ropes, they do EXACTLY THAT! You know what I mean?

You mean they are tied to the roof and go to the floor?

Hahaha, you get me!

…what? Of course I do it’s just rope-

But let’s get down to brass tacks and iron knuckles.

Sure.

Let’s sweep aside the mulch and clear a path for the chariots.

…sounds like a plan.

No more dicking around, or waving the wand at the whiskery wizard.

Are you having a stroke?

Let’s get to the contract.

Ok, sure good, great. How much is it a month?

Month? Let’s not talk in dates. I’m going to start a year contract with you.

Isn’t a year a date?

Not at this gym — here, we work by our bodies, not by a calendar.

Ok then, how much is one months worth of bodies attendance at this gym?

Well Mark, Slugger Markonius, Mdog Millionaire, see this number?

Please, Mark will be fine. What number?

This number I’m about to write down.

How could I have seen it?

Here it is. You get 5 months, 60 a month, 400 joining fee.

Ah, see I have a friend who goes to this gym, and they did…I think it was 30 a month with classes, and a 40 joining fee.

Your mate…when did they join? A week ago? A fortnight?

I think a week ago.

And was the moon waxing or waning?

…excuse me?

See I think I remember you friend joining…were they around 5 to 6 foot, with hair and a face? They joined at a special period where that was the going rate. But that deal’s ended.

Is it coming back? I’ll just join then.

Woah there Mark The Soldier Cowboy Hadron Collider, I am about to. Sort. You. Out. We just so happen to be having another deal on as of tomorrow, but you and me, we’re good friends right?

I only just met you.

Believe me, we’re good mates. I’d take a bullet with you. I’d share a small bed, and keep you warm from the elements. Hell, I’d raise your child. Had I been blessed with a womb, I might have even had your chi-

Charming, thank you, yes, but the deal?

Ah yes — see there’s a monthly deal starting tomorrow, but because we’re good friends, and I love you, and every time I look into your dreamy, creamy eyes I want to curse the world away, I’m going to start that deal with you now. Watch this number.

Right.

See what’s happening?

You’re pointing to it.

BAM. Now what’s happened?

You’ve hastily tried to draw a line through it, and split the page in half instead.

Exactly. I’m halving things. I am a halver by half, but this time I’m fully halving what I have to halve to the fullest.

So — thirty dollars a month, and a 200 joining fee? That’s still too much…

Alright Mark, Markington Le Markery el Markiko — you’re pushing the boundaries of our relationship. I feel like I need a safeword at this point, know what I mean!?

Yes…but…ok

Like, you know, a word like ‘harder Mark harder I don’t deserve to live!’ or ‘why daddy why!?’

I think you need help.

But here’s the crux of this watershed of emotional tidings, Mr M Mark ShalaMark — I can do you a better deal.

If it’s the one my friend got, I’ll join.

Can’t do that, my hands are tied.

I can see that…where the hell did you get rope? When did you even do that!?

Here’s the go though — I saw an eagle circle the building three times whilst clutching a snake in its claws, which means I can do the Julius Caesar special.

…I’m too afraid to ask what that is.

Well see, it means 30 a month, 40 joining fee-

Great!

But we get to broadcast your showers to the world.

Yeah, that’s just uh, that’s not a thing that’s going to happen.

Oh I thought you’d love that deal! That’s a shame, we’ll just — WHAT WAS THAT?

You’re pointing at the roof.

The eagle just died!

How can you see through the concrete roof?

Well the Julius Caesar special just Hannibal’d off the Markus Aurelius, so I’m afraid I’m going to have to see the manager. You’re busting my balls here.

Sorry, I just thought I could get the same deal.

Truly, smashing my balls. Just pounding them into paste.

Why are you holding your balls through your pants?

You are literally grabbing the skin off my balls, stretching it out, sprinkling broken glass on them, folding it back against itself, and kneading it.

I think I’m going to vomit.

You are, in the most real, non-figuritive sense, making me shit in my grandmothers mouth while I choke her while she squeezes my balls, knowing that her ensuing rigor mortis will most likely have her cold, dead fingers, crush my nuts into chunky pieces.

*Vomits*

But I will see the manager. Only because you were my first. My first love. My first risk.

Please go away.

*Associate goes away for ten minutes, comes back missing an ear*

Mark Son of Mark Earl of Mark And Placeholder of Mark, you are going to love me, tenderly.

I promise you I won’t.

I just got you the Van Gough Deal — one ear off, on year hassle-free — 30 a month, 40 join up.

Did you really have to lose your ear for that?

No, but for you, my joy, my shining light, anything. Now, can I sign you up?

I’ll have to think about it. Thanks for everything though!

*Mark leaves and decides to go to the gym down the road. Apparently there is a sauna there*