Another generic letter from the President at the start of the school year

Dear school people,

As the final weeks of summer die, now is a great time to not only reflect on the death of all those heat months, but also to pause and consider some key priorities for the remainder of the year. Death is a great new way to think about rebirth or something right?

This past year was kind of like all the other years that happened before it and it was also kind of different than all the other years that ever happened. I want to thank all the tremendous achievements for happening. They were probably more tremendous than all the stupid achievements we thought were tremendous last year. Also, I can’t believe how many difficult issues we confronted. Wow. Those were tough. Thank you for coming together and demonstrating your feelings in a way that we can now market to other potential students interested in paying to attend our school. I’m proud of everyone for being so [is this a good time to use language that young people like to use in an effort to make connections through language?] YOLO. Wait, YOLO is no longer a thing children say? Whoops. I guess I forgot to refresh my tumblr feed. Honestly I haven’t checked that thing in two years. What do the children these say now? I think I heard one mumble, “Yer’ll.” Is “Yer’ll” a word of affection or is it derogatory?

Anyway, look at all the great momentum we’ve built. It’s almost like that giant elephant our football team killed then wrapped in an American flag and rolled down the hill into the burning river a few years ago when we were celebrating our last important achievement. When I say, “important achievemant” I want to be clear that it is only important in our own inflated evaluation of ourselves and no one outside the university probably cares. It’s mostly just a good opportunity to get rich alumni to give us money.

So, I guess I should talk about some things that are more substantial than just words. To do that I will use words. I think I want to focus on three words in particular:

  1. Academics.
  2. Finances.
  3. Committments.

1. Academics

I’m excited about the focus our intensive planning efforts have had on academics. Good job everyone at looking intently at all the things you’ve been looking intently at. Whoops I did that thing with a preposition you’re not supposed to do. Who cares?!?! I think we’re ready for a new phase of academics called “academic initiative.” You’ll hear more about “academic initiative” in a few weeks. It’s going to be really “light.” Sorry I was trying to relate to the students again through language, but I guess the term the students are using these days is “lit” not “light.” Also, I’m pretty sure the students aren’t even using this term. They are probably using language no one has discovered yet. “Lit” seems to mostly be the internet language of people who are struggling not to appear IRL. What am I even saying? I don’t know. Let’s move on.

2. Finances

Over the past several years we have done very well at making sure money keeps getting put in our bank accounts. I would like to say more, but it’s tiring writing long emails like this. Thankfully I have a staff of people to write them for me. If only the people satirizing me had their own staff too then higher education really would be the utopia we pretend it is. Oh also, this is where we recognize all the rich white men who gave us a lot money even though they were going to lose the money anyway because of taxes. Honestly, we need to stop congratulating these donors like they did something heroic by giving us money. They don’t really care about us. It’s just a tax right off for them.

3. Commitments

I am proud of the way our community has come together to talk about how we are talking about talking about stuff, but if we are ever going to make a difference we need to talk at least three times as much. Like any great university, we are built on how we talk about making change not how we actually do something that creates change. So if you promise to keep talking then I will promise to keep talking. Diversity seems like a really popular thing to talk about so I will make sure to talk about diversity at three-quarters of all the meetings/gatherings I attend.

I want to close by saying that it’s unlikely anyone is still reading this email at this point, but if you are please join me at the center of campus at three a.m. on August 28th for a special ceremony celebrating those select few who still thoroughly read their emails.

Sincerely,

The president