How to Health

What you’re doing wrong

Water Per Day 🌊

Water is an essential ingredient for our bodies. I strictly adhere to 8.23 glasses of water per day, as this is the amount of water recommended by experts. Sometimes I’m not thirsty and water isn’t appealing, but I persevere and meet the water quotas because I care about my health.

Eating Speed 🚓

I heard that eating slow will make me basically immortal, so I make sure to spend at least 30 minutes per day chewing my lunch. My jaw gets sore and I dread lunchtime lately, but eating slow has so many health benefits including preventing cancer. 😮

Superfoods 🥕

You need to be eating superfoods. The #1 way to identify a superfood is that it tastes terrible. That’s how you know it’s good for you. To consume superfoods, I recommend stealth: sneak trace amounts into something that actually tastes good. You’ll only enjoy your meal slightly less and get tons of minerals and nutrients that sound cool and important. It’s been proposed that a superfood-centric diet can lead to lifespans of 150 years or greater! Crazy if you think about it.

Blinks Per Minute 👀

Blinking is a healthy habit that keeps your eyes from getting dry and protects against dust and debris. So obviously it’s necessary to consciously try to blink more. I try to get 20 blinks per minute, or blinking every 3 seconds. Counting my blinks is a very tedious task, but maintaining the health of my eyes is worth the cost.

Breaths Per Minute 🌬

Breathing is a healthy habit that everyone should try to incorporate into their daily routine. At a sitting rest, I try to breathe 25 times per minute, or about once every 2.4 seconds. Breathing is proven to be important for energy levels that help us carry out our every day tasks. Getting more breathes into your day is again tedious, but the health benefits far outweigh the cost. Studies show there is a high correlation between lack of breathing and poor health.

Real Talk 🤔

Hopefully you’ve garnered that the above is satire. The human body is totally capable of determining when and how to drink, eat, blink, and breathe. Our subconscious systems are fully capable of carrying out these tasks and we should not let our error-prone conscious mind influence these robust systems. Drink water when you are thirsty, eat food at whatever rate your stomach desires, and don’t eat food that tastes terrible.