There are times when I used to find myself drowning in a silent rage. Replaying events and words over and over in my mind. Rewriting the script with different words that can only be created through the lens of hindsight. What I meant was…you misunderstood…but you said…all leading to a brooding silence and more replays.
It always ended with an internally negotiated truce that I used to justify never saying I was sorry. I could then push the events and words deep into a box to be locked up and stored away. This process was repeated again and again, and the storage facility in my head added box after box. Little boxes. Big boxes. More boxes.
Finally, there was simply no more room. I had to make a change. So, like a hoarder ordered to cleanup a cherished pile of this and that, I began to cast off the smallest boxes. The little hurts and their holds me. I was careful to incrementally work my way around the large boxes stuffed with much heavier baggage. Eventually, I ran out of small boxes and had to confront what was left.
Heart of the Matter by Don Henley
There are people in your life
Who’ve come and gone,
They let you down,
You know they’ve hurt your pride.
You better put it all behind you;
‘Cause life goes on.
If you keep carryin’ that anger,
It’ll eat you up inside baby
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness, forgiveness…
But forgiveness starts with yourself.